I love Sonny and Cher. They were so cool on the Carol Burnett show when I was a kid... I just wanted to remember them (remember... remember... remember...) ok. So much for that.
I have been running around today like a chicken with my head cut off. This morning I was in a 3 hour and 45 minute session that gave me incredible insight into living with the Holy Spirit as the captain of my ship. It was incredible. Dr. John Spurling at Gateway Church in North Richland Hills presented an amazing amount of history along with the principals presented. Goodness was it enlightening. I have been in the presence of the Lord so much in the last week, it has left me breathless and longing for more. For Him to speak to me in the still and silent times before the kids have gotten up and around is more than I could ever ask for. Beautiful and radiant is His presence and I want to glorify Him with everything I have and all that I do.
One of the topics today was transparency. Where that used to be a signature of my life, I have realized that I have grown very guarded over the last couple of years. I suppose it had most to do with dreams not fulfilled and expectations not met, and so I have tried to lower my expectations so as not to continually become disappointed. One of my close friends here has shown me that there can be closet transparency, where two people can be transparent to each other and yet guarded with others. I truly enjoy our relationship and it has been an incredible blessing to me, and I want to give more. I want to be a walking Bible that others can read, and I fear that I can't do that if I am in self preservation mode. Gentle quiet spirit may most be needed here. If I am guarding my thoughts, guarding my words, and guarding my actions, then there will be nothing left of me, only Jesus.
My grandmother told me last night that she was grateful that I allowed my individuality and creativity to show through instead of conforming to a set of standards. I felt both agreement and disagreement with that statement. My grandmother is an amazing 80's something woman who is incredibly active in her Sunday school class, but I am left wondering about the Holy Spirit's presence in her statement. Yes, the Lord has made me a very special and intricate being. His daughter, different from everyone else, preciously made, and a very specific calling on my life made only for me, but at the same time, when people really start to know me, I want the Jesus inside of me to shine through. I am a woman after my Father's heart, and I want to be a conduit of His Holy Spirit to flow through, not flow to.
My goal this summer is to play detective and delve under all of these rocks and crevices in my spirit, so that everything comes to the light. I want to hear my Father whisper in my ear. I want to know Him so intimately that I can move in His will without all of the questioning and deliberating back and forth. He is a God of peace, not confusion. Walk with me! Let's see what we can all come up with! Yeah!!!
1 comment:
What can I say but beautifully eloquent and deeply honest. You are not afraid to put your thoughts out there for people to read and that is such a brave thing to do. As I read this, I could hear your voice in my head as if we were having one of our "talks" (minus the tearful ending). I am so proud of you and can't wait to see what else you write!
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