Expectations and Realizations

When I started this blog, I really was so excited and just KNEW I was going to blog often. I think I probably expected to have time to write weekly, sometimes daily. What was I thinking? Hardly anyone reads this, I write sporatically, it is full of useless chatter, what is the point? Well, I have to realize that there is a purpose in here somewhere.
I am on a journey. At different points in my life, I have felt like I was just so sure of what was going to happen, that I could handle it, and that I was totally in control. Isn't that the time that my Father steps in and says... tap tap tap (on my shoulder), WHOOOOO is in control? Hmm? Is it you or is it Me? The realization that He is in control is a 2 edged sword. It is hard for me to give Him control, but once I do, the relief is often tangible. He is so good.
When I look back on this year, I realize how many expectations that I have had going in and the Lord, thank goodness, took care of things. It is amazing how he can orchestrate something that is so incredibly better that we could have imagined, just as He has promised.
Expect to realize that our God is amazing and His hands are more powerful than all the days of our planning could ever be.

Be Blessed. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Thanksgiving Bliss

Thanksgiving. What an incredible idea! We should spend all this time and money getting a whole bunch of food together, watching a crazy football game, running around the days before preparing, cleaning, stuffing things away so the "family and friends" that we are so thankful for don't see the real us.... is it very edifying? What if we slowed it down, asked everyone to bring their absolutely favorite dish, enough to share, filled in with our own main meat or dessert, and then just cleared a spot on the couch and enjoyed each other? What if everyone brought one thing about the year that blew them out of the water with thankfulness, whether it be a scripture, a picture, a story, or whatever, and then instead of watching someone else play a crazy game, we could really talk from the heart, share the struggles, pains, and victories that Christ has led us through in the last year? I think Jesus would feel much more welcome at that table.
Being able to spend a holiday at my grandmother's house this year was an incredible blessing. Being 86, she often says, "If I am here next year..." She is incredible, being exceedingly more comfortable with the idea of her next adventure in Heaven. All my life I can remember her talking about when she dies this, or when she dies that. I shudder to think of my reaction, but I am continually honored by the blessing that she has enriched my life with in her time here. I adore the way she accepts my family with all of its quirks and craziness, the step kids, the new hubby, the drama of teenagers, all with a love and a grace that is strictly God given. It is precious to be in her presence.
Eating with my mother, dad, sister, brother, cousins, aunt, and of course my beautiful husband and kids was wonderful. My mom went all out, cooking, cleaning, detailing things that we made sure to appreciate. So often in the hustle and bustle, people forget the details that the host/hostess focus on. New pillows here, new bathtub grout there, anything to improve upon the foundation for the celebration. It is a glorious event. My mother does such a wonderful job, but I suspect her biggest thankfulness comes with the last guest driving away. Such a bittersweet thankfulness. I pulled it off, I fed, I cleaned, I hosted, and now I can sit!! Whew! I hope that we all sufficiently let her know how much we appreciated her!

Well, my thanks extends to everyone and everything that the Lord has blessed me with, all the people along the way, all the experiences to shape me into something that hopefully looks more like him. Something else, today at church, the pastor mentioned that the more thankful we are, the less deceived we are by the enemy. Lies of the world would tell us that we are responsible for all the good that comes into our lives is our own doing. We are blessed by our Lord that is in control of everything. Praise Him! I praise Him for You!

I know... MIA

So much has happened in the last long while since I have posted. The election, the school year's progression, and so many details it is hard to comprehend. The bigger picture is that I have gotten worked up in the daily grind, given Him glory along the way, but haven't spent real time in His presence. I am empty, frustrated, and ineffective. I am lonesome for my Father's face. I have evolved into the teacher I never wanted to be, frustrated and hating my students most days. I have been more exhausted than I have been in a long time. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I just need to bow down, submit, and be changed. My youngest son has expressed his desire to go live with his dad because they have a much more predictable lifestyle. At my house, we are always running around, getting home late, eating late, and with me working 30 minutes away, my school day away from my babies is a very long one. He is feeling the distance and he desires a place where he can feel secure with his parents around him. Who can blame him? I don't, but I was very saddened by the reality call. It made me certain about the fact I am going to work close to where I live next year, and really schedule family time. I don't want my kids to think that I don't want to be around them, and they are stuck without me. My youngest is my most sensitive and I want him to feel secure and loved by me, not just a ward in my care.

Father, you see what is happening around me. I know that I need to just ask what I want and You are faithful to help me refocus or achieve the goals that You have set for my life. When I come to you revealing my true heart and intentions, You are amazing about revealing the root of my problem or helping me find a peace about what the issue really is. I want to hide in the shadow of Your wings and find the peace that can only come from You. I love You, Lord, and I praise You for being such an awesome Dad. When I stay too long away, You wait patiently until I return. Thank you. I love You, Amen.

Blessed some more...

How do you hear God? In the quiet moments, when I can slow down this crazy life I have signed up for, sometimes it is not so easy. I am reading the most amazing book, "The Shack" right now. It is reshaping the way I see my "Papa" and changing the way I see Him and see myself. I want so much more, but I struggle to put everything else aside and really get close to Him. I long to immerse myself in the Spirit. I wish I were able to work at church and just live there.

When I was a little girl, attending Catholic middle school, I used to want to be a nun. As I got older, I thought I was crazy. What kind of life was that? Now, I remember it and wonder if I'd known myself better then than when I grew up a little. I would hate for spending time with Papa to have to be a chore, or an obligation. If it is truly from my heart, then why would I need to have time created for me, when I should put it first, regardless of what my schedule dictates?



School has started. I am the head of the Math department this year. We are trying to come back from academic unacceptability. I have 8 teachers that rely on me to advocate for them. I love it. It grows me into being more assertive and more proactive. I also have to think on my feet a lot more. Jesus definitely has a plan for me. I want to be right smack in the middle of it. I started a prayer group this past week. One person came, and we shared burdens, and that was such a blessing. What I love even more than that, is that people who can't come are welcomed to give me their burdens, and I will lift them up to Papa on their behalf and people are trusting me with their hearts. It is an awesome blessing and responsibility. I want to be able to be trusted with their situations and really lift these prayers to the Heavens. I love being at school, yet being able to be at my Father's business. I love Him so much. My Father loves me, sustains me, and I want to follow wherever He leads. I am so blessed to be the daughter of my parents, the parent to my children, the wife to my husband, and the princess to my Papa. I am blessed to be the teacher to my students, the coworker to my teachers, and the friend to my friends. I love my life, I praise my Lord, I revel in Him.



Addonai, El Shaddai, You alone are God. Jesus, we cry out Your name.

Fragrance

Isn't it incredible how a smell can take us back to another place in an instant? My grandmother had a very specific brand of face powder. Cody loose powder. I honestly don't even know if they sell that anymore, but sometimes I will get a whiff of it in the drug store and I can close my eyes and literally see her dressing table, with the pink ruffle, the dark wood, the 3 mirrors, and a plethera of parfume bottles all over the top of it.
If you were a smell, what would you be? If your words, your actions, your thoughts were smells, what would they smell like? I know that all too often lately, my thoughts have been in the range of skunk to day old garbage in the hot sun. If I could just... fill in the blank, could it be... have more quiet time? Spend more money on things I need? Lose more weight? Make more money? Have a better husband? Have nicer kids? Balance my checkbook?
If I could just turn everything over to my Father, really rely on Him, really pour out my heart to Him, what would I smell like then? I want to smell like a rose, gentle, sweet, and beautiful. What would it take really, for me to commit to that? Jesus, Help me.
Think of the bucket philosophy. Throughout my summer, I was blessed to be able to spend one month with some incredibly talented teachers. We were taught about the bucket. Are you filling the bucket of other people? Are you emptying the bucket?
As I walk up to the counter of an overworked and underpaid store clerk, am I fussing at her because her store doesn't carry what I am demanding, or am I calling the manager over, asking him about the product as well as complimenting his employee on her excellent customer service. Now, are we talking about giving a bunch of lip service to people who don't deserve it? Not a chance, but what I am talking about is focusing on what people are doing well, so they will feel good about doing more of it, and then be better prepared to deal with the negatives.
Recall your interactions throughout the day, did you add to or take away from the value in the people's bucket that you saw?
Make a renewed commitment to fill the buckets of those around you and in turn, fill the Heavens with a sweet fragrance... smell like Jesus!
Much love.

I Stand in Awe and Wonder

Our creator is infinitely amazing. When I see my kids do or learn what they are supposed to, I am amazed. It is not of me. My Father is in control because it is nothing that I can do in my power that is going to be life changing for them.
As I wrote a couple of posts back, my daughter and I were going through a "thing". Mostly, I was holding on too tightly. I was so afraid that I had made a mistake and not taught her what she needed to know, that she was going to use her new freedom to ruin the plans that God had for her. I held on too tight, she pulled away, I grasped for more, finally I freaked out. I just shared my tears and heart with her. I was able to be completely honest about my fears for her and really become transparent with her. She was an amazing listener and we have been doing very well ever since.
Fear is a trigger of mine. I have lived with it most of my life. Fears of being invisible, not measuring up, rejection, failure, and poverty are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. These fears have kept me in bondage for a long time. I have quite a story to tell of how the enemy planted those seeds in my mind, but the point is, who watered them all this time? Who made the choice to see the wrinkles, gray, cellulite, and deem them "ugly" instead of "wise"? Who looked at various circumstances in her life and compared herself to other women and saw the shortcoming ONLY? Sorry, friends... it was me. I did that. I hung my head and opened the door and told the devil that he was right. What? How ridiculous is that? But we all do it sometimes. Instead of guarding the hearts that the Lord has blessed us with, we lend an audience to the laundry list the devil would like to remind us of... But you know what? I have probably said this before, but my Daddy loves me. Loves me with a fierce kind of love. He knew the days of my life and He knew where He found me. He used the circumstances around me to bring me to Him, so He doesn't need the little peon devil to tell.
Sometimes I believe that if Jesus only knew how bad I was... but I know better. My brain knows better. I need to know it in my bones, though; know it in my knower, as a dear friend of mine used to say. I look in the mirror and allow others to define the beauty in my life. I allow TV and the media to give me parameters that I should fit into in order to see myself as acceptable. Please Jesus, heal my wounded mind and my broken heart. Help us to all see us as Your princess, the way we were called to be. You are our Savior, and the Author and Finisher of our faith. Thank you, Jesus. We give You all the Glory.
Amen.

Checking in...

Wow! It has been too long since I last blogged. In the middle of the summer that I have "off" (HA) I have been stuck in a month long teaching course and have been slaving away in crazy inservice days that seem to last forever... Please forgive my lack of communication.

In the face of rising gas prices, increasing housing costs, and every other kind of rising prices, we are considering our options. Selling our house... buying another... renting... location, location, location,... considering the burden of moving after having purchased my first new home and being disenchanted by the experience and now the overwhelming rising prices. When everywhere you look, you see desperation, panic, and negativity, what are we to do?

Look up.

Our Father is the God of now. He is never going to do better for us than right now. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will take care of itself, looking into his amazing eyes, we can see that He is faithful, soverign, and working hard in today's situation.
My personality resists change. I have taken probably half a dozen personality tests this summer in order to determine my best teaching strategies and understand all the different kids that I will be teaching. I am green. I resist change and want everybody to get along. I just wish I knew where we were supposed to get along! Please pray for direction, clear vision, and obedience on our parts in order to walk through this situation. I praise the Lord that I have a home. I praise the Lord in everything. How about you?

Mama and Daughter at the same time...

Incredible. When we are out of options... or are smart enough to admit none of ours are worth a hill of beans, our Heavenly Father reminds us gently of who He is. My daughter and I are getting along so much better. Revelation is an incredible miracle in the face of my carnal hard headedness. So many things I perceived as wrong and hurtful growing up, oddly enough, take a different shape when I am walking through raising a daughter of my own. Although I would have preferred a different wrapping, I realize now that the gifts my parents actually gave me weren't so bad. I learned so many things from having to deal with things on my own. I wish that I hadn't felt so alone a lot of times as I walked through the consequences of my choices, but I had to walk them out. Removing me from my difficult situations would have taught me nothing. I had the opportunity to tell my mom that yesterday. I was able to tell her what a great job I thought she did even though I didn't realize it at the time. I absolutely hate that it took me 18 years after leaving home to realize this. I hope that my kids don't take that long.
Remember that our Father leads us through the thorns so that we will appreciate the roses. Remember that He will never make our solution look like we thought it would, and PRAISE HIM FOR THAT! HE IS BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN WE CAN EVER CONCEIVE!!!
I am blessed for the hardships in my life. I don't know many people who have come full on submitting to Jesus while skipping down the flowery trail of peace and happiness. If we could create a life like that for ourselves, what good was the Cross? We need Him more than we could ever imagine.
He knows where He found us, He knows where He wants us to go, and we need to shutup, submit, and get out of His way, so we can go where only HE can bring us!!!
In Jesus' Name,
AMEN!!!!

Photosynthesis

Why does growing up have to be so hard? Hard on the kids, hard on the parents. I have to be completely honest; going through the teenage years makes me wonder if I'd known what my kids were going to have to go through, would I have subjected them to it? Granted, I realize that my beautiful kids have not had the ideal situation in growing up. Generational curses plagued us and sometimes still do, but still... It is sooo freakin' hard!!!
My oldest and I feel like a million miles apart. It is killing me but I don't know how to fix it. I am praying that the Lord will work it out. I am actually praising Him for working it out. When there is no more us, He kicks in, and the sooner the better. I face disrespect, disillusion, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, hopelessness, and just downright depression in the face of the mountain of teenager that I feel I will have to climb to do this. "My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I know in my head that if I gave it to Him more often, I would know that satisfaction and peace comes from knowing who is in control. I feel exhausted by this fight and sometimes can't even get out of bed. All 4 of my other kiddos are incredible, but when this one is separated, I have to go and leave the 99 and bring back that 1.
Lord Jesus, You are the most powerful. Nothing in the realm of good or evil compares to you. I am so thankful that You are in control because there is no energy left in me to fight this battle. My daughter is lost in the sea of indecision and indifference and I yearn for her to find You in the midst of her uncertainty of future. She thinks she is the only one who has ever tried to buck up against authority, who doesn't know what they want to do when they grow up, and can't see where they fit in. When I try to encourage or teach her, she totally shuts down and it is heartbreaking. Give me just a glimpse Lord, please. Give me some kind of word that it will work out. I know that rarely do we come to you without brokenness and serve you out of love. Lord protect her and keep her safe for You and You alone. I rebuke any plans the enemy has for her failure or demise. I trust You Father. I praise you, even in the storm. You are a mighty God.
In Jesus's precious name, Amen.

Let's get serious-Our calling

It is easy to write how the day has gone, how the weather is feeling, and how the bills are (or are not) getting paid. It is easy to keep things surfacy. I am fed up with surface. Where are the difficult questions and why am I not asking enough of them? What are we really doing for the Kingdom? As I walk through my day, what is ETERNAL about it? I am making an investment, whether in the kingdom of the tangible and of the carnal, or is it in the ETERNAL? Either right or wrong, either closer or father away. Which is it? Jesus will not put up with us lukewarm. Right now. Where we are. Midstride... Yes or no? If we are ashamed of Jesus now, He will be ashamed of us before His Father, God. I cringe at the thought. But what am I doing? Am I satisfied with my testimony? I have 5 amazingly beautiful children. Are they all saved and living for Jesus? Would they be raptured if the trumpet were called right this minute? I can say yes to 2 only. That is a pathetic account, but it is the truth. My teenagers aren't sure what they are feeling and what their decision is. I will have to answer for that. When Jesus asks me what I thought the most important thing was, and I say,"To make sure they felt loved, taken care of, with intact senses of self", He will say not good enough. It is not good enough.



I am reading the Left Behind series right now and am in the middle of book number five. I realize this is fictional and they are living in a different time than I am, but the battle is just as fierce. Having to correct my children of picking up behaviors of the world seems like a neverending and defeating battle. I feel like sometimes I am going back to square one again, like I need to quit my job and focus on raising my children because they still act like they don't know that when the car is moving, the seat belts should be on. WHAT IS THAT? I have taught them that since day one of their riding in cars career and yet, 9 years later it has slipped their minds. I just want to sit in the middle of the floor and pull my hair out. I wonder if I am really doing anything, making any difference. As believers, our children and we are called to be set apart from the world. Where they are permiscuous, we are to be modest and reserved. Where they are loud and brash, we are called to the gentle and quiet spirit. Where they are all about themselves, we are to glorify our Lord instead. Why? Besides being obedient to the Word, it is because we have to recognize that we are SPECIAL. When we waste ourselves on the frivolity of the world and don't see ourselves as precious and created entirely beautifully, we are wasting ourselves, and when something is used over and over again for nothing special, then we become nothing special. Would you wear a tuxedo or a formal dress to breakfast everyday? No! That sounds ridiculous. Wearing it over and over again for a casual occasion totally takes away the purpose and special feeling of that outfit. Right? As a result, we have to keep ourselves for the special occasion we were designed for. A mother with a calling to love her husband and raise her children with an annointing. A father to lead his family in righteousness. Ministers who have hearts for intercessory prayer, healing, evangelism, encouragement, whatever. These are our formal occasions to become the people that glorify the Lord. Glorify.



Lord, be magnified in me. I love you so much. I could never express how grateful I am to have the next breath that you have ordained in my body. Thank you for changing the heart in my chest. Thank you for giving me beauty for ashes, gladness for mourning, strength for fear, and creating in me a woman of modesty. When I look in the mirror, I see a little girl who can recognize that her Daddy is working on her behalf. I can feel the once broken heart strengthening in the face of challenge. It is all You, Father. My Daddy, Abba Father. I praise Your Holy Name.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Trusting our Father to Drive

How long has it been since you reached out to the people around you and really told them how you feel? I was listening to a Christian radio call-in show the other day and the psychologist was recommending a girl tell her fiance' how she really felt. The Dr. told the caller that what most relationships are missing is truth. People can handle the truth so much better than we expect. Truth gives people a real reflection of how they are seen by others. In love; much, much love, we are called to be honest with one another. Hmmm... That is a difficult one.
My daughter and I were engaged in a strongly emotional discussion last evening (ie: argument) about her new driving practices. It was heartbreaking to me; her attitude of entitlement and her brashness in response to my suggestive correction of her driving. Teachable attitude, I told her, was all I was asking for. Instead, she would rather not drive, she shot back. OOOOOHHHHH I could have exploded. I just kept my mouth shut tightly until she passed a police officer traveling at 10 mph over the limit! I was incensed. I had lots of honest things I could have said right at that moment. Luckily, I waited until she was out of the car and out of earshot before I started yelling. My dear and wonderful husband now has the blessing of responsibility to develop her driving skills. The hardest thing for me is not that she was making a mistake, but that she allowed her emotion to drive the car. She let her emotion drive... I will get back to that in a minute, I feel a lesson brewing there...
I began letting her drive back in March during Spring break. She did famously. I was incredibly proud of her as she took turns carefully, made complete stops, and asked for advice and guidance and in return taking it graciously. Where did that driver go? She has been swallowed up by the "I am 16 and know all" monster. How sad. How do I communicate in a positive loving way that I have all the faith in the world in her, but she has to be willing to learn? I am praying about that and would appreciate all of the fortification of that prayer that you can help me with.

Back to emotions driving the car. Is emotion driving my car? My car of life? Your car of life? I think we all need to take a step back and realize that our commitments are not based on feelings.

I love my husband. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been with anyone in my life. I am blessed every day by him, yet, I sometimes need a second to count to 10 in order to prevent my temper from rearing its ugly head. We don't always agree on all decisions , see eye to eye on everything, raise our children the same, and the list goes on and on. On those difficult days, sometimes weeks, my covenant kicks in, Praise the Lord, almost immediately. The long life I have walked through taps me on the shoulder, reminding me that this is not show friends, this is show business, and my husband is the other half of me. My love is my promise, not my feeling. Luckily, it is the same structure for my kids. The love for them is filled with emotion and feeling, but my commitment to them is not based on how obedient they are, how warm and cuddly they are, how respectful, polite, neat and tidy, organized, blah blah blah they are. It is the promise that I made when they were born, that I would love them, work to give them the best I had to prepare them for God's call on their life, and usher them into adulthood ready to succeed, that is my love. It runs deeply and miraculous. Miraculous is the addition of 2 incredibly children into my heart's fold that may not have been birthed by me, but are certainly underneath the shadow of my love for them. They are a part of me, and the Lord designed that incredible adoption. What a blessing they are to me, even when they join the other ranks in propelling me toward mind and hairloss (pulling it out).
I am blessed beyond belief by the relationships that the Lord has put in my life. He knew so well how much I would need a tribe around me to be His hands and feet in my life at any given moment. 5 out of the 6 may be revolting, but there is always that one that flashes a smile, gives me a thumbs up, or wants to climb into my lap and snuggle. That is God whispering to me, "I am still in control, I still love you, and I am still at work in this." That is all I need to know.

Fire

Trial by fire..., "You're fired", Refined by the fire, "Things We Lost in the Fire"...



All of those references to fire, but a variety of meanings...



I watched the above mentioned movie this past week, "Things We Lost in the Fire". TEAR JERKER!!! There are a few movies that have really rocked me, that one, City of Angels (about 10 years ago) and Million Dollar Baby(Always protect yourself). These are movies about love and loss, perseverence, strength, beauty in the face of tragedy... I am sure we could all list more themes that touched us, but they are very emotional women in very developmental situations.



Bonnie Raitt has a song that has a memorable line for me... " Women, we're the strong ones, somehow we always make it through, but the way I feel right now, I don't even think its true. To me their lots more broken, than anyone can really see. The way the angels turn their backs on some... its a mystery to me..."

Our backs are broken on so many things in this life. Death, literal and perverbial, life, born and lost, experiences that would shake many to their core, these are the things that we are made of. (What happened to sugar and spice?) The fire.... It burns so deeply, but we are so refined. When we come out on the other side, and the pain subsides, the tears dry, and the clouds part, sometimes it isn't until we are sitting on the couch in the quiet, with our perfectly prepared coffee, our flannel jammies on, that we realize, "hey... the rain stopped. I can see the sun shining." What we have to remember is it is the Son shining. He is so faithful. I stand in awe of the fire he has allowed in my life and the lives of those around me.

I love my children so much. I can feel them in my arms. I can conjure up the actual softness of their skin agains my fingertips in my mind when they are away. I can close my eyes, clear out the cobwebs, and remember how amazing they were when they were first walking, talking, or dressing themselves. But you had better believe that when they crossed the line between good and evil and thought they were going to dance on the other side, I wore them out. Often times I would give them a spanking, send them to bed, and then cry alone in my bedroom, aching to just give them a hug and kiss and snuggle in bed with them instead. It was my love and my dream for successful and blessed lives that I gave them those heart wrenching spankings. I refused to allow them to get used to being outside of the plan that God had for them, instead ushering them to walk in obedience, be respectful, or whatever the case may have been.

Our fire. It often comes from our Father who loves us too much to let us stray. Of course there is the fire that we so innocently light and play in and then beg for the Great Fire Extinguisher for rescue! Either way, He is faithful to draw us near to Him if we will just submit to the fire and allow Him to do the work. Relax, my beloved. Hide under the shadow of His wings. The fire will come, it will purge the impurities, and on the other side, we will look more like Him. How will we know? We will see the difference. When we look to the world and the things that used to be so comfortable and familiar? It will be stranger and stranger to us. Us who are called by His name...



Walk in the blessing and the love that is Your fire.

oxox.

Priorities

Good grief Charlie Brown! It is hard to set priorities sometimes!

My dear husband is struggling through a college course in order to push himself further in his career, provide for our family, and prove to himself that his potential is farther reaching than he has achieved so far. I whole heartedly agree, but at the same time, I want him to check himself. Compromises must be made.

When I set out to get my degree in January of 1995, I was completely ready to be a nurse. I tried to get through Anatomy and Physiology, and failed. Twice. I was the single mom of one child, and could not wrap my mind around all of that memorization while I was trying to figure out potty training, welfare applications, and trying not to eat very much. I pushed on and tried again. I couldn't get through it. I changed my major. Like... 2 times. I tried nursing again after another failed marriage, this time with 3 beauties in tow, and failed. Finally, I dropped my quite impressive transcript on the table in front of a dear advisor, and asked with as much grace as I could muster, "What can I get out of here with the fastest?" Enter-sociology. I graduated 10 years later with my Bachelor's of Science degree in Sociology with a minor in Women's Studies. I loved those classes and it was a compromise that was very easy to make. When I got out in December of 2005, could I find a sociology or women's studies job? NO WAY, but I did get to where my Father had designed for me all along, teaching.

My beautiful then fiance' asked the loaded question, "If you could do anything, what would you do?" I thought for only a few moments... "I would teach 7th grade social studies." "Then why are you not doing that?" He replied incredulously. Within 6 months of that statement, I was seeking a teaching position with my alternative certification begun and 3 years to complete it, but I could teach!!! I landed an amazingly hard first year, and fell head over heels with a career. A CAREER!!! I could not believe I was in a real job.

Of course, I want this epiphany kind of joy for everyone. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are so many beautiful and precious people slaving along in jobs that they dread going to every day. It seems so logical to me... if we are all strategically designed parts of the Body of Christ, we should each have a specific calling, and if we did what we were supposed to do, wouldn't we all have the jobs we were designed to have and be happy as larks? I know... Utopic and far fetched in this day in age of such anger, such abuse, such loveless streets around us. How awesomely, desperately sad.

If you are reading my post right now, sit in the quiet calm of the cool (if you can find it) of the day, search your heart and have the courage to ask yourself, "If I could do ANYTHING, what would it be?" It may not be a career, it may be eat macaroni and cheese for dinner, it may be take a quiet bath with candles, it may be sing a child to sleep, it might be wish on a star. Then again, it might be get the heck out of dodge and ride my bike down to the creek and jump in!

Whatever it is, find the place where you feel most like yourself and listen to the still quiet voice of the Lord that loves you. He wants to give you shade underneath His amazing protection, He wants to trade our complicated ever-so-rushed-yoke for His yoke that is easy and light.

Listen.... Listen....

Be blessed.

Children

My children are gone... all except one. My boys are with their dad and my daughters are with friends, and that leaves the oldest boy here sleeping in, playing guitar, and totally being awesome. It is always good when somebody stays behind to keep mom from losing her mind! I am sooo in love

with my kiddos. I am so blessed everyday by them. Even when I am squeezing my eyes shut in the chaos, after 20 minutes of peace and quiet, I am missing them!

Quiet Tuesday on the home front... laundry, dishes, dusting, etc... Get it while the gettin's hot! Tomorrow there will be fires to put out, so I'd better do all I can today!

Have a wonderful and blessed day!

Leaving A Legacy

"I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love" Nicole Nordemon's song, "Legacy" has always been a favorite of mine. How do I want to be remembered? What are my family values that I want to pass down? What is my culture that I want to create?

Hmmm. Food for thought. what is yours? Tell us about it.

I want my children to know that no matter what they have done, what they have said to me or someone else, whatever season of their life they are in, they have their mom in their corner. I may not agree with their choices, but I have raised them to love and serve the Lord first and then His people. What else is important? Everything else comes from that I think.

I want my students to know that I believe in their excellence, their dreams, their plights, and their success. I want them to know that I am fighting for things they can not see yet in themselves. I want my classroom to be a place of respect, freedom to think and make mistakes, and a shelter from the storm.

I want my life to show a pursuit of transparency, of giving everything my all and doing the best I can. I want to display an honest and humble reflection of my Lord that sustains me.

I want my husband to feel honored and truly loved. As I have said to him, wherever I am, he is always welcome.

It is important for us to consider our culture in every realm of our lives. Although we Americans are so great at compartmentalizing, we must remember that there is a common vein that should be the pathways to all of the different rooms. The love of life and God runs through my worship, my job, my relationships, and my encounters with the world around me.
I am so blessed. The legacy left for me is so rich.
The matriarch of my family, my grandmother, has given me such a rich tapestry of life, love, and talent, that I could not escape reaping some of those glorious rewards. She teaches me constantly the power of words, being a classy woman in any situation, being a straight shooter regardless of the costs, and an appreciation for sweets for breakfast. My mother leaves me a legacy of beautiful music, strong hugs, a strong shoulder to lean on no matter what, and harmony in voice and in life. Through ups and downs, she has been a constant onlooker and bystander, never giving up. My aunt leaves me a legacy of amazing color and fun. Brilliant patterns, exciting and artistic items always immediately bring her to my mind. She has reminded me that one of our family values is appreciating people that are often marginalized in our society and I think my passion for sociology may just have been born out of that. Like my grandmother, my mother, my aunt and I can all strike up a conversation with any food service worker or custodian to remind them how much we appreciate their hard work. My mother can do it even in probably 1/2 dozen different languages! To see and acknowledge people who often feel invisible changes the world one smile at a time. My sister gives me the legacy of a constant listening ear that is ever so objective. I love that! No matter what, she will tell me what she really thinks. That is a gift!!!

I am so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to have loved these amazing women and been molded into a woman with so many of these same characteristics. How grateful I am for these beautiful ladies and so many more like them that have left an incredible legacy in my life. In a world of microwaves, email, and sterility abound, what kind of fingerprints of love can we leave on one another? Find a way to touch someone around you. A legacy of love is never, ever, ever wasted.

And the Beat goes on...

I love Sonny and Cher. They were so cool on the Carol Burnett show when I was a kid... I just wanted to remember them (remember... remember... remember...) ok. So much for that.

I have been running around today like a chicken with my head cut off. This morning I was in a 3 hour and 45 minute session that gave me incredible insight into living with the Holy Spirit as the captain of my ship. It was incredible. Dr. John Spurling at Gateway Church in North Richland Hills presented an amazing amount of history along with the principals presented. Goodness was it enlightening. I have been in the presence of the Lord so much in the last week, it has left me breathless and longing for more. For Him to speak to me in the still and silent times before the kids have gotten up and around is more than I could ever ask for. Beautiful and radiant is His presence and I want to glorify Him with everything I have and all that I do.

One of the topics today was transparency. Where that used to be a signature of my life, I have realized that I have grown very guarded over the last couple of years. I suppose it had most to do with dreams not fulfilled and expectations not met, and so I have tried to lower my expectations so as not to continually become disappointed. One of my close friends here has shown me that there can be closet transparency, where two people can be transparent to each other and yet guarded with others. I truly enjoy our relationship and it has been an incredible blessing to me, and I want to give more. I want to be a walking Bible that others can read, and I fear that I can't do that if I am in self preservation mode. Gentle quiet spirit may most be needed here. If I am guarding my thoughts, guarding my words, and guarding my actions, then there will be nothing left of me, only Jesus.
My grandmother told me last night that she was grateful that I allowed my individuality and creativity to show through instead of conforming to a set of standards. I felt both agreement and disagreement with that statement. My grandmother is an amazing 80's something woman who is incredibly active in her Sunday school class, but I am left wondering about the Holy Spirit's presence in her statement. Yes, the Lord has made me a very special and intricate being. His daughter, different from everyone else, preciously made, and a very specific calling on my life made only for me, but at the same time, when people really start to know me, I want the Jesus inside of me to shine through. I am a woman after my Father's heart, and I want to be a conduit of His Holy Spirit to flow through, not flow to.

My goal this summer is to play detective and delve under all of these rocks and crevices in my spirit, so that everything comes to the light. I want to hear my Father whisper in my ear. I want to know Him so intimately that I can move in His will without all of the questioning and deliberating back and forth. He is a God of peace, not confusion. Walk with me! Let's see what we can all come up with! Yeah!!!

Wow... Just getting started

What exactly constitutes interesting? I have this crazy desire to blog, but who knows where it will go...

Finally, school is out. Teaching is an incredible calling on my life. I am already getting jazzed about next year but am so grateful for the summer. Hmmm what is on tap? Trying to get my finances in line with scripture and the directive to be a good steward. Math curriculum organized for next year, and try to relax and spend much needed time with my Lord, family, and wonderful friends.

I did actually get to the gym yesterday. It has been a constant struggle in my life for the past 17 years, ever since I had my daughter. (OMG!) Can't believe it has been that long. Anyway, as I was walking on the treadmill, I was just chatting with Jesus, and I really just had to look around and Praise Him! I had the opportunity to work out! He blessed me with the opportunity to have a gym membership! What kind of favor is that!!! There have been times in my life of extreme poverty and hopelessness. To look around with a spirit of total awe and thankfulness at the blessing of provision over my life! Wow! Then, of course, I had to claim ownership over the gym. I know that sounds crazy, but what I mean is, I had to look around and say, this is my gym. So many times I have gone there with my husband who is in great shape with beautiful muscles and felt totally out of place and completely intimidated. Yesterday for the first time, I had to really change my mind. (Repentance!!!) I had to remember that the Lord blessed me with this membership for a reason. I have a vessel that He has provided for me that I have got to get on board with taking good care of. I have no right to eat crap all the time, sit on the couch, and then look in the mirror with disgust. He has blessed me with life and provision for today. He has opened the opportunity for me to run the distance with Him and actually be able to cross the finish line as He gives me the high five saying, "Well done, My faithful servant!!" How am I really supposed to do that when I am 45 pounds overweight, and exhausted all of the time? I can't see how. So... instead of trying to lose weight to get or keep a man, to fit into something sexy, or to gain someone else's approval, I have to be able to to look in the mirror and say, "There is a call on my life that takes energy, hard work, and commitment. Cowgirl up and get to it!" Then go to another Pilates Reformer class. Awesome!