Blessed Beyond Belief

Forgive Everyone Everything

2011-08-29T22:53:00.003-05:00

This is short. I am hurting because there is so much anger and hostility revolving around a couple of dear people in my family. The bottom line is that life is too short to continually react to an affront by someone else. Yes, life is painful. Sometimes, it is those who are supposed to love us the most that hurt us the deepest. Unfortunately, that is part of it. Judas was a close friend of Jesus. Jesus also knew that his FATHER had planned for Jesus to die for all of our sins. He knew pain, rejection, and true heartache. Jesus did not promise us a smooth road. He did say we would have hard times, but He never leaves us. Each pain is an opportunity to show everyone around what He looks like, how He would handle things, how He is working in us. I just read the book, "Fear No Evil" by Pastor Brady Boyd, the Pastor of New Life in Colorado Springs, CO. They experienced some devastating events that the devil tried to use to take them out. It didn't work. To God be the Glory. They are stronger and purer for going through the fire.

May we all be.

Forgive Everyone Everything. Don't take it personally. We are not warring against flesh and blood, but against principality. Remember this. Don't give the devil an inch in your life. It is too valuable to the Kingdom of God. I love you all, be blessed.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-04-18T22:28:00.002-05:00

Keep going. Don't give up. I know it is hard. I know that everytime you turn around, there is another mountain in the way that is preventing you from really seeing the sun and feeling the warmth. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This season might end soon, it might not. The fire refines the metal, and all of the impurities are brought to the top, to be skimmed off, leaving a more pure, more streamlined form of the metal that existed before. The same analogy is represented in our lives. When God allows us to be in the fire, the things that we don't need fall away. Desperation may set in and show us that the one thing we can really count on is God and one another. The real friends show up. The real family that loves you- blood or not- become clear. Just as in Job, when his world fell apart, all those that had been his friends, eaten at his table, shared in his prosperity, vanished. Sometimes struggle and pain is what clears the fog so that we can accurately see a glimpse of His glorious face.

Don't wait. Submit to Him. Heaven is better than Hell. Jesus is more than fire insurance. He is hope. He is favor. He is grace.

Amen and Amen.

A little blue...

2011-04-10T23:41:00.002-05:00

Ever just feel a little blue? That was me today. I honestly don't know why. It was a very eventful day. Tracey and I drove to Abilene to see my sister Vonda receive an amazing Sociology student of the year award, right before she graduates on May 14th. I cried. I don't usually spontaneously cry, but today, as I saw her walk across the front of the banquet hall, all of the stuff she has been through really hit me all at once, and there she was, looking majestic and precious, just getting the slip of paper, that translated, just said: Vonda is really cool. Then, we stopped at her house and drove home. Then, a storm brewed in the west, and it flew over our house quicker than the wicked witch of the east, and all seems quiet again. I wanted a real downpour. A drencher. A knock the lights out barrage of liquid. Nothing of the sort. I am however only working half a day tomorrow. I am going to a conference in the afternoon by Alliance for Children, that teaches people how to identify children who have been sexually abused, and then who have communicated about it, how to handle that. I am excited since I am anticipating doing a counseling internship with them in the fall. So, I am going to go cuddle up with my husband and try to get some rest before my adventures tomorrow. I will try not to cry as I am tucking myself in.... at least for no reason. I love you all, I love Jesus, and I am very thankful for Him! Beloved, Have a blessed week.

Breathe it in... Drink it in...

2011-02-10T21:24:00.004-06:00

The Glory of God. It is fluid, like the air around us....

I had a conversation with a very dear and longtime friend of mine today. She is struggling with some pretty difficult circumstances in her life. She feels extremely alone.
I feel so sad for her. I encouraged her as best I could. The fundamental difference is, she isn't a Believer. She feels alone right now, because she is alone. She hasn't realized that her worth doesn't come from her children, her husband, or her work. It comes straight from her Lord. We were raised in church together. But my faith is now very different from the church we grew up in. My faith is my joy and my salvation. I hear her say that church for her is a behavior modification approach for her children. This saddens me. I want the joy I have, for her. I want her to know how amazing she is. I am praying so much for her to be led by the Holy Spirit. He does miracles every day. He is more powerful than any circumstances that could be in her life or any of our lives.

Looking back on my last post, I know that I have been under attack lately. Stress, exhaustion, and busyness has definitely given the enemy opportunities to get to me in more ways than usual. I am trying to just focus on being in God's presence. Thankful for all the gifts I receive every day. Thankful for my husband's strong arms around me. Thankful for my flannel nightgown my Mama gave me that gives me a hug every night, thankful for my beautiful sister, Red who is the household math guru, thankful for my daughter Jayde who was accepted to the Art Institute of Fort Worth today, thankful for my daughter Ashley who encouraged me to try skiing just once, thankful for my son Spencer who shared his vehicular adventures with me, thankful for my son Liam who is working his tail off to pass all of his classes this 6 weeks, thankful to my son Seth for being taller than me but still giving me his little boy, sleepy hug first thing in the morning....

My Father knows my heart, He has my heart, and I want every day to revel in His majesty, and be the daughter he wants me to be.

If you are struggling with deciding if He is real, if this God thing is all it is cracked up to be, jump in. With both feet. He is real. He is near. Beloved, YOUR name is tatooed on the inside of His hand.

I have a word for you. Soak it, Breate it, Drink it in...

Psalm 139. It was written for us.

O Lord, you have examined Allison's heart and you know everything about her.

You know when Mary sits down or stands up.

You know Barbara's thoughts even when she is far away.

You see Kay when she travels and when she rests at home.

You know what Joanne is going to say even before she says it Lord. (ha. inside joke)

You go before Vonda and follow her. You place your hand of blessing on her head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for Kasie to understand. (Ha ha. it keeps getting better.)

Pilar can never escape from Your spirit! She can never get away from Your presence!

If Ashley goes up to heaven, You are there; If she goes down to hell, You are there.

If Jayde rides the wings of the morning, if she dwells by the farthest oceans, even Your hand will be there to guide her and Your strength will support her.

Ashley could ask the darkness to hide her, and the light around her to become night, but even in darkness, she could not hide from You.

To You, the night shines bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to You.

You have made all of the delicate inner parts of Pilar and knit her together in in her mother's womb.

Thank you for making Kasie so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous-How well Vonda knows it!

You watched as Joanne was being formed in utter seclusion, as she was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw Kay before she was even born, Every day of her life was recorded in Your book.

Every moment of Barbara's life was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are Your thoughts about my Mama, O Lord. They cannot even be numbered!

We can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when Mary wakes up, You are still with her!

O God if only You would destroy the wicked! Get out of our lives, you murderers! They blaspheme You; Your enemies misuse Your name. O Lord, we all hate those who hate You. We despise those who despise You!

Yes, we hate them with a total hatred, for your enemies are our enemies.

Search us, O God, and know our hearts; test us and know our anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in us that offends You and lead us along the path of everlasting life.

Amen.

Lord, is this a yes or a no?

2011-02-02T11:23:00.002-06:00

Good morning friends. I am here, in my house with 4 of my stir crazed babies, yes, glad it is a snow day, but wishing there were something more fun to do... The power keeps going in and out, so we are kind of doing what we can while we can do it, laundry, housecleaning, etc.

This is not a post that is going to tell you the magic formula to hearing God. I have not aleays had the best luck with that. What I do know is that sometimes, we have to take our emotions out of the equation. It is not always an issue of how we feel about something. Take for example, my wonderful son. He is 14, full of pent up energy and competition, and he desperately wants a dog. I desperately want for him whatever he wants for himself, unless it includes x box. So, the agreement about a year ago was that if he could keep his grades up, he could get a puppy. Unfortunately, he is distracted, so oftentimes turning work in is just not on the top of his list.

Much like his mom is with turning in lesson plans... But, I digress.

So, he is not passing all of his classes, instead, only about 3. Now this boy is responsible when it comes to dogs. His hermit crabs in his room, of which he only has 2, kind of fall by the wayside because they are very low maintenance, and very boring. (He claims. No offense to hc lovers out there...) But, we have a dog that I brought home about 6 months ago, and he is extremely helpful in taking care of her. In fact, he is really part owner of our beautiful Sarah, truth be told. She has definitely bonded with him significantly, she sleeps on his bed, he takes her on walks and plays with her. He loves her and takes good care of her often. One might even think that was his dog. So, I know that he could take care of his own dog, but the fact remains, he is not passing all of his classes. He doesn't have any money saved for supplies or anything, and he is not passing all of his classes. Did I mention he has to pass all of his classes?

Now even though he asked us last night, my husband and I discussed it at length, still determined that the answer was decidedly negative, Ghost Rider, he texted me last night begging. Then he came into the living room with me this morning, begging. This time, I had to look him in the eye and tell him that he knew the answer was no, and he was torturing all of us with forcing me to say no again and again... This is when the Holy Spirit reminded me of what no means.

I explained to my precious offspring, that the no for right now, doesn't mean no forever. Take heart dear one, if this applies to you also. The thing about it is, God's timing is always perfect. For our canine companion situation, this is not perfect. Resources are needed to medically take care of the dog, grades are needed to earn the reward, and all the things are not lining up to perfect. I told my son that there was a dog in his future. A God planned dog. One that would be perfect for him. One that would be even better than he could have thought this particular 4 footed friend was. I reminded him that sometimes what we think might be a no, is just a not now.

So, if you are seeking an answer, and things are looking at no, remember that God has power that is abundantly above and beyond everything we could think or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)
Take heart. He is the God who sees you (Genesis 6:13), and He will make a way.

All in Love,
Allison

Bloom Where You're Planted

2011-01-22T21:25:00.002-06:00

My mother has a problem with this statement. I can't remember exactly what she said was wrong with it, but something about growing where you're planted, instead of blooming, but I think blooming is much much better. Is it enough to just grow? Why just get a little bigger when you can grow and bloom!!! I think the blooming involves joy and walking in your spiritual gifts and really making the world around you a better place. Just think what would happen if we never walked past something without making a difference, regardless of how small... If we saw a piece of trash and picked it up even if we didn't put it there, or smiled at a crying baby, or told a frustrated young mom, that this too shall pass, or even pray for a situation that needed some covering? All too often I have been extremely guilty of just passing it by and thinking "shame on whoever through that piece of trash there" or "goodness that baby is a brat, can't that mom get it to be a little quieter?" This is our world. We were put here to be Jesus's hands and feet. Did he leave the hard jobs for anyone else, or did he jump right in with both feet and speak up?

I am visiting my sister in Abilene and just enjoying the ability I finally have to bless her in an amazing way. I love her so much, but more than that, every once in a while, the planets align, and I am able to just come up and act like a kid in a candy store... what do you need? lets get it. What are your heart's desire? Done. I remember times when things were so tight for me and my little family, and she would write a check to me for the money to make the groceries, or whatever we needed at that time. She was my blessing, she made me see the love of Jesus at a time when I was just learning about Him, for real, at work in a personal way in my life. This woman is amazing, preparing for graduation, with a 4.0 mind you, with 2 kids tagging along. For anyone who doesn't think this is a huge undertaking, consider the sacrifice that goes into something like that. Constantly giving, constantly running, never having a minute to yourself, to do what you want to do, to breathe peacefully. With all the things that come with kids in 2 parent households, there is a break, someone else to keep the fire for a minute while you relax in the tub, or take a nap while the other runs to the store, but when you are on your own, it is a very different situation.

She has bloomed. She has blessed, even when where she has been planted has no heat for a couple of days when it drops to 32 outside. When there is no gas money and the cross necklace has to be tearfully sold.

She is reaching for the Son each day, blooming and helping each other bloom. Praise the Lord for her. Praise the Lord for provision in my life so that I can be a conduit. It is amazing.

Blessed to be a blessing,

Allison

Approval Junkie? Addiction anyone?

2011-01-18T23:06:00.003-06:00

I know..I know... I just blogged about going to bed. However, I was playing with the lay out as I am waiting for my clothes to get out of the dryer, and I like the new layout that I have picked... tell me what you think... ANYWAY...
I was looking at the way older posts are more accessible now, and it doesn 't just show one day at a time, and I was thinking that I like it and I was wishing I was more... more ________.
More interesting, more spiritual, more healthy, more thin, more inspirational, more... you name it.... It's not about me!! And I get frustrated when my mind goes to default and I try to find ways to make myself better. So more people will like me, more people will read my blog, more people will be inspired to do great things to glorify God, all of that... but I want to stop focusing on me. I want to be a bill board. I want Him to be the focus. Him Him Him...
Again,
I love you all out there in the grand scheme of things world. Thank the Lord for something that awed and amazed you today. Give it up for Him. He is sooo wayyyy coooollll.
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

I took a nap...

2011-01-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

Our suburban is paid off, praise the Lord, but it does entail having work done on it from time to time, so... it is now in the shop, just for some minor work. However, it does give me the amazing opportunity to deliver my precious husband to work at 615 am so that I can deliver my own self to school on time. Our day starts at 740 am, so it makes for an early day! After the 3 day weekend, for some reason, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck this morning, so I had to come home and take a nap. Contacts still in my eyes, Liam made me a great cheddar cheese quesadilla and I couldn't stay awake any longer. I crawled up on the couch, Sarah snuggled up with me, and I just.... took a nap. It was wonderful! But, here I am up at almost 11 pm and chances are good that I am going to be sleepy again in the morning, so I am going to do an laundry rotation (washer to dryer, dryer to couch, couch to closet...) and then shower and hit the sack.

Just wanted to send you guys some love. We should all take random naps, slow down, and enjoy the blessing of this amazing world.

Good night!

~Crazy Love~

2011-01-17T20:58:00.003-06:00

So, this is not a paid endorsement. I just found this picture on the Crazy Love website and wanted to put it on my blog. I know that Pastor Francis Chan has no idea who I am, but he is helping me to know more about my God, which is enormously amazing.

I bought this from amazon last night and put it on my Kindle app for my phone. I am so pumped about this that I can hardly stand it. I just want to share that nobody put me up to posting it or talking about it, or anything. My mama can testify... if I don't want to do something, it takes a lot to make me do it. So, there you go...

Anyway, back to the book... I'd seen it in Lifeway a couple of months back, and it popped up on my amazon's list of what they think I'd like. I read the intro for free and decided that it really was speaking to me, so alongside of my bible in 90 day plan, I am trying to get closer to God through this book too. Right from the get go it has changed how I see my amazing, awesome, monumental, huge, bigger than I have words for, Jesus. I want to be changed. I want to be more authentic. I want to dig in my heels and be known as a Christian, because other people categorize me as that, not because I claim to be one. I want to be so controversial because Jesus was controversial. I don't want to be seeker sensitive. I know that people hated Jesus. He rubbed the pharisees the wrong way. I want to be just as irritating, but just as much full of love. I want to be in love with Him. I want to be committed to Him. I want to be pumped and excited about Him and what He is doing. I want to be ignited. Crazy. Embarassing. I want to be like David, dancing for Him. I want to be more foolish than this.

I think this book can help me do that. Being in the presence of my Daddy... priceless. I want to remember how enormous He is. How perfect He is. How everything in my life pales and withers in comparison to His cosmic power in my life.

Last night, Tracey and I let Seth and Liam drive for about 30 minutes in the local community college parking lot. They did fabulously well. They are so amazing. It was pretty groovy watching my last 2 babies drive around the parking lot, with Tracey in the front giving great instructions. He has so much more patience than me. It was a little disconcerting too, since they are still pretty young, but on their way to being not so young anymore. Seth, 12 this year, and Liam a staggering 15 this year, are incredible little human beings. Jayde, reaching for the stars in all of her 19 years, toward the Art Institute, Spencer, killer handsome senior in high school, looking towards the Air Force in May, Ashley, majestic and reserved, also looking towards her future as a junior.... they are all incredible humans in their own rights. They are also testimonies, even though they don't fully recognize this, that God is a big God. He can handle anything. He blended our family in a way that we never thought possible. His mighty hand has truly carried us in times we were not walking, but drowning. Now, they are all focused on the future, looking towards God's plan for their lives, not staring at each other in frustration. We are all moving as one toward the common goal. The Lord has shown himself sooooo faithful. It is amazing. He is amazing. I stand in true awe.

I love you guys. Be amazed. Look toward the stars and be amazed. You are perfectly and wonderfully made.

Amen.

{{{ Yawn }}}

2011-01-13T17:00:00.002-06:00

Ok, my blogger friends, I am sooo tired. I have a lot to do, too! I wish I could be tired on the days that I don't have that much to do. I am working on my Master's in Counseling. I am a 6th grade Math teacher. I have a large beautiful family that I wish I could just take care of all the time, but unfortunately.... I have so much stuff to do. I have resolved to grade papers every day instead of waiting until the end. I have resolved this before however... Somehow my procrastination always seem to get the best of me.

So, I have made a cup of coffee, sat down in front of the computer to do my homework, a paper, I might add about validity and reliability in psychological testing, but I am here with you fine people. If you read anything that I have on my blog, would you just send me a message? I would love to read your comments, chat with you, and just hear about what is going on in your world.

I can see that people from Russia have even checked it out! Just tell me what is happening in your neck of the world. It would be most enjoyable.

Love to all, please reach around, big reach, and give yourself a huge hug from me.

Hugs and Kisses (and yawns, gonna lay my head down... just for 5 minutes!!!))

Allison

Pray without ceasing...

2011-01-09T17:30:00.003-06:00

1 Thessalonians 5:5-18:
Ye are all the children of light and the children of the day; we are not of the night, nor of the darkness.Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober. For they that sleep, sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night. But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breast plate of faith and love; and for a helmet, the hope of salvation. For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain Salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ. Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him. wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. and we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labor among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; and to esteem them very highly in love for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves. Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men, see that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men. Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I know that is a long scripture, but oh so important for us to remember. We have got to be at our Father's work, people! Quit running to the things of the world that prove a distraction to the things we are going through. I say this to myself, loudly. Pray! Pray! Pray!

Yesterday I was in my car and I turned off the radio. I wanted deliberate uninterrupted time with the Lord. I cried out to Him, expressing my heart's desire to be in a job where He was the focus all the time. He was the topic of discussion. What He is doing, What He wants to happen, etc.

Overwhelmingly, I knew my answer. Even though I didn't want to! I heard it in my spirit! IT SHOULD BE NOW. REGARDLESS OF WHERE I AM! HE SHOULD BE THE FOCUS. HE SHOULD BE THE TOPIC. TO KNOW HIM AND MAKE HIM KNOWN!!!
I hide behind being nice, respectful, upbeat, and sweet. I try to give the Lord the glory for everything. But do I? I am crying, praying for the city while driving in my car, and then somebody drives crazy and dangerously and I say, watch out, you idiot! Is that very Christlike? Not so much!

The more I pray, the more I am in the presence of the spirit, the more fruit I will have. I want to be a tree laden and heavy with the fruit of the Spirit, not the fruit of the world, or the fruit of the Allison. That fruit is rotten, moldy, and utterly disgusting.
Pray... Pray... Pray...

Lord, I praise You for this day. I praise You for another day to have the grace You give to worship You. For anyone who is stopping by today, I pray that where there is pain, You would heal up their hearts. Where there is loneliness, you would provide Jesus with skin on friends and family to love on that person. Where there is anger, frustration, hopelessness, You would shine a Holy light, to dissipate that darkness. Lord, nothing is impossible with You. Help us to all remember this. I thank You for Your mighty hand that is at work 24-7. Thank You Lord that Your ways are above all of our ways. My way of thinking is so narrow. I pray that Your Holy Spirit fire and water would rush over me, burn away the extra, and smooth out the stone. I love You Jesus. I have nothing if I don't have You.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Beware! Danger right around the corner..

2011-01-06T22:08:00.002-06:00

The devil knows exactly where we are, and what can derail us at any given moment. We have to be prepared. Case in point: this morning, out of nowhere, the devil started working on me. Within a couple of minutes the thoughts swimming through my head were consumed with worry and self condemnation. It took more than a couple of hours for me to get out from underneath it. I hated it. I knew it was an attack from the enemy, but my mind kept saying, what if it's right? What if those things really might happen and you really are a horrible person? So, even though I was trying to "think" myself better and give myself the truth, my head kept me from it.

We have got to be careful. It is not enough to know the enemy is there, we have got to be prepared. Those who fail to prepare are preparing to fail, right? That should be one of my mantras, because preparation is a shortcoming of mine. Sure, I can think a thing to death, but actually get up and do something about it? God is still working on me, thank you Jesus!

That being said, what do we do when we come under attack? We have to remember that it is the devil's goal to slip us up at every turn, so we have to have our defenses up and ready for anything he might try to throw at us. Worship is where I come into the presence of God best. When I worship, my whole heart and soul is pointed toward the Heavens and the Heavenly. So, for me a great weapon would be a worship song. My prayer language. I could bust out with my prayer language when I feel under attack. Pray the scriptures. God's word is a mighty sword, able to separate bone from the marrow, right? It is sharp and very specific. I weakly tried to remind myself that I was a child of the King this morning. Yes, that is very true, but if that is the only thing I can come up with, that is charging hell with a water pistol. That defense tells the devil who I am, a very weak and fragile princess on my very best day. But my Father....Is 9:6,

He is mighty to save, He is faithful to hold on to me, He is truth and life, He is a mighty warrior on my behalf, in fact He has already beaten the tar out of the devil! Remind your demons how big YOUR God is. That is where the power is. And remember, there is a snare around every corner, but we are not ignorant of the enemy's devices. In Jesus name, we are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37)!!

Patience, my dear...

2011-01-04T20:39:00.002-06:00

Wow... another post, and so close together! I just may fall out!
Well, I set the rest of my schedule to complete my Master's degree in Professional Counseling. May 2012 I will graduate. I am somewhat jealous of my 2 beautiful sisters who get to graduate this May, but their long hours of toiling over books, papers, and higher levels of thinking must pay off, and for goodness sakes, come to an end! They have earned it. I stop right now and give thanks to our God for allowing women to be able to seek educations here in our country. It is not a perfect country, but we could have been born at a different time or in a different place where such luxuries were not afforded to working class women. Thank you, Jesus, and Amen.
I am communicating my resignation to the administration at my school. I have given myself a rough estimate of 24 weeks left and I will be done. I will suck the marrow from each day with these beautiful darlings that I am teaching until that time.
I still look toward the horizon and realize that I will be able to walk in the purpose of my Father through my degree very soon, and until that day has arrived, I will be walking in the purpose of my Father every day, try every minute, and look to my siblings to keep me on my path. Much love to my ladies! Mary and Vonda, you know who you are! (Everybody does now!!)
(((((muah)))))

Back to life...back to reality..

2011-01-03T21:33:00.004-06:00

I remember that song from the late 80's. I don't know who sang it, strangely enough, but I did like to dance to it. Today was our first day back at school after a 2 week hiatus for Christmas and New Years. It was a difficult morning to wake up and get going, but I was glad to be back in the swing of things. Honestly, I am glad to be on my way... out. God has called me to be a counselor, and I will not be teaching again next year. That has been really hard. I had to actually walk through the scripture that says, when all else is done, stand. I was standing. Standing on the promise that if He wanted me to put my master's degree on hold because I'd misheard, or only started my master's degree out of my own selfish design instead of His leading, then I was willing to teach next year, or put my degree on hold. Anyway anyway, I digress. This past weekend, I was so blessed to go to a wedding of a wonderful woman that I was blessed to be able to know through a woman's bible study. While there, I had the privilege of meeting some fabulous Christian people that were involved in outreach. I mentioned my degree plan and my desire to serve the Lord wherever He'd have me. I was so encouraged by the people I'd met, and for the first time, I really felt God confirming that I was on the right track, and He was going to use me to love on His people that our culture sometimes considers "unloveable". I want to be a puppet on His string. I want to focus my energy into "being at my Father's business". What are your goals? What would you like to change? Are those your goals, or His? Share with me! I want to hear it!

Have a blessed day. In Jesus's powerful name...

Wow...Another Year... Same old haunts...

2011-01-02T20:28:00.003-06:00

Here we are again, a new year. I have heard so much about a New Year's resolution. As much as my mind is turning over a few things I would like to do differently, when I look back at my poor representation of a regular blog, I see that the things that I am thinking, I have thought before. I know we would like to think that we are full of new ideas and new inventive ways of handling things, but are we really? What am I thinking about? Another year of "reinventing" myself. I am so tired of doing that. I am tired of trying to find an "easy way" to shed some extra baggage, whether in my clothes or my closet! I am tired of trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. One thing. Focus on the one thing. That is what I am going to do. My energy in trying to find a new diet? Going back to my one thing. Trying to determine if my household is striving for holiness the way my Jesus would like? Going back to my one thing.
My one thing? My Father. The Holy Spirit. My Lord.
I need more time in His presence. Seek FIRST the Kingdom. That is what I am going to do. Seek first HIS kingdom. Everything else will be in place as He changes us to His image. One New Year's Resolution for me... More of HIM and much less of me.
Just a thought. There is a song by Addison Road, which I am saving my pennies for, called "What Do I Know of Holy?". Tears flow when I hear this song. This song combined with "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli really makes me think of things that have gone on in my life. When I was at my worst, living in a car, staying with friends, refusing to submit to God, how did He see in me something that was worth saving? How did He know that I would one day want to spend every second with Him? If it were possible to saturate myself in Him daily, I would. So, again. My one thing. I am going to make Him my one thing. I feel certain at that time, the tv shows he wants me to cut out, will be cut. The insecurities that make me run to the extra calories, will fade in to the background, and the emotions that are not fruitful, they will be pruned away.... I pray this for all of you. That you will be blessed beyond your imagination, that you will know that your Father is within a whisper's call of wherever you are. I pray you would feel your small hand is His large and powerful hand. I pray that you would feel that He loves you unconditionally. If you didn't know what it was like as a child to have a big, strong, and handsome Daddy in your corner, you do now. He is here, my beloved. Your one thing.
Happy New Year!

2010-08-10T05:44:00.002-05:00

Wow.. I really couldn't believe that it has been since November that I posted. Such a sad sad state of affairs. This morning I arose at 445am, got dressed for the gym, but realized I didn't really want to go. Not that I don't want to be fit, not that I don't want to be healthy, but I didn't want to do it that way. Now I don't know if it is just a moment by moment thing, and maybe I will want to go tomorrow, but I am wondering why we behave as if we are on hamster wheels that we can't get off of? Why do anything if it doesn't bring glory to our Father? Why do it if we can't feel as if we are making a difference, either in ourselves or in the world? I think that may be the crux of the problem. This morning's 530 class was a spin class. The last time I took a spin class, I was sore and frustrated for about 2 weeks from that one hour. Now really? I just didn't feel all that motivated to do that this morning. Instead, I am going to take my beautiful puppy dog on a nice long walk and thank the Lord for this day and everything He has planned for it to be. I have things to do, way to many important things that I adore, my husband, my family, my home, etc, to be getting up at the crack of dawn to do something that is irritating, right? That's what high heels are for.

Thought for the day: Make it count. All of it. Every smile, every bite, every second. Live it all and be the person that you were Created to be. Love to all...

Evolution

2009-11-21T23:56:00.002-06:00

Hmmmm. Evolution usually strikes disdain in the hearts of Christians everywhere. Evolution, but you know what, our God is the Father of evolution. He wants us to evolve into being more like him. Instead of time being the catalyst, He is. Instead of a random set of notes just echoing together in chaos and happening to end up as a new piece of music, He is our conductor, if we will let Him be.
Sad story; my beautiful wonderful 6th graders, that yes, throw crap across the room, roll on the floor, jump on empty kleenex boxes behind my desk ( I know... ridiculous) are still 6th graders, and still created by the Master. Last Thursday I was ill and out with a sinus infection that made me give up and stay on the couch, and in steps the sub. Now, my disclaimer is: I subbed one day for 4th graders and didn't know what the heck I was doing, and swore (hee hee hee) that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER teach. I realize that subbing is an awefully hard job. I think that the biggest part of my problem was the first part- the not knowing what the heck I was doing part. But, if I had chosen subbing as a main form of survival, I think I would have a bag of tricks. Maybe some prizes for the best kid in the class, or some pencils and erasers that I handed out if everyone is on task, maybe a fun ice breaker to get the class going, something to get their attention and then pull out the work, all the while telling the kids that they were really cool and how proud of them I was, and then if all else failed, reading them some story or something, or even take them outside for a game of red rover red rover or something to get them moving. Something. What I am saying is that if you are planning to be a sub, at least half of what you get is what you give. I would imagine that comes with anything you do, right? Well... the note that I got said that I had some aweful kids. She'd been subbing for a long time with the district, and I had some aweful kids. Ok. I hear ya. They were crappy and showing out because they thought they could be stupid and take advantage of a sub. But... this is the kicker.
She made fun of a stuttering student in my first class, while telling the rest of them they were stupid, a couple she explained to them that she was unsure of how they passed the 5th grade at all, and that they were the worst students she'd ever had. My next class were belittled as well, and she honed in on one student that I have worked with extensively this year to build self esteem in his kind heart, and she looked him in the eye... and called him a moron. My last class got much of the same.
I pulled my "moron" victim aside and looked him in the eye, and told him that I wanted him to remember that I loved him, believed in him, and that even though adults are adults, they are not always right, and that sometimes they lied. This was one of the times that he heard a lie. I told him that I didn't believe that she lied intentionally, but she obviously didn't know him the way I did, so she lied, and it was wrong of her to speak to him in that way anyway.
My students were disciplined for their behavior, but they also heard the fact that regardless of how others behave, they are always responsible for themselves. I want them to learn that there will always be people in life that speak things out that are not accurate, and it is their responsibility to evolve into adults that make the world better... not more broken.
Where are you? What path of evolution are you on? Me? I am having a wonderful week serving others in my home for Thanksgiving week. I am looking forward to hugs and tears of joy, and games played and things like that. I am looking forward to the love and grace of Jesus being abound in this place. Without these things occuring, what is the point of evolution anyway?
I have closets that will be evolving into order, shelves that will be evolving into dust-free, and I will have children that will evolve into strong oaks of righteousness, in Jesus' name! Have a wonderful Holiday season. Be grateful. Every day. Don't miss this!

Wowee! We are to come like little children...

2009-10-11T22:53:00.002-05:00

Skipping rope, playing with dolls, sleeping with my velveteen rabbit, keeping my baby blanket close by... Do you ever wonder why women (usually) revert to girly things when they get older? I am considering getting a cd player/radio to go in my closet for my praise and worship music when I am having prayer closet time, and I remembered that Target had one last time I looked... a REALLY long time ago, that was Hello Kitty. It was pink and cute and had a big Hello Kitty on the front. Why would I want that? I am a grown up, right? Somewhat, but that little girl is still in there and she never had the time to properly get princessed as a child. I think there is a part of her that is still longing to get all of the things that she wanted when she was little that would make her feel beautiful, precious, and sweet, now instead of never. So often children in our culture are not celebrated enough. Now, it is different when we are talking about purchasing all the cool gadgets or making sure the house is big and all of that. That is not at all what I am talking about. what we give to our children as true gifts are gifts of imagination, love, touch, compassion, responsibility, and trust. When we hold our children accountable for their actions and responsible for their behavior, their possessions, and their areas, we are telling them that we have faith in their abilities. When they do what they are expected to do, it breeds self confidence. When they can handle a bad day, when they can take care of a pet, when they can honestly admit they did something wrong, and we point out the fact that they are growing into strong oaks of righteousness or mighty towers for the Lord, they are recognizing the mystery of wonderness in themselves. They are realizing that they are capable. Capable to play using their imagination instead of a video game. These are the true gifts.
Speaking with some dear friends today, we were discussing the choices we'd made out of lonely broken hearts, and how we operated out of a desperation for anything that remotely looked like family or community. That leads people at least to make poor choices, but even worse, to cults and gangs.
I think that when we girls have the chance to fall back in love with pink frilly underwear or a soft cuddly blanket, we should do it. Our baby girls in our hearts will dance with joy.
I love you all. Have a blessed week.

Hauntings

2009-09-15T19:48:00.002-05:00

The life that the Lord has led me through has been one of amazing healing and victory. Without the terrible and tragic episodes in my life, the bright and beautiful would not exist. Kind of like the angels... they praise the Lord, but they have never had to go through the hell of earth to find Him. They praise Him because He is... they don't need to have another reason. On the flip side, humans praise Him because He has raised our dry bones, formed a person, and created a purpose for each and every one of us. I praise the Lord for this.
My daughter's face looks more and more like her father's every day to me. Of course, that is good and bad at the same time. He is handsome, but he is also a history of mine, sometimes joyful, more often; not. She also has his temper and although she is learning how to control it so much better now, there are times when she sounds just like her father when she gets angry. Who trips that trigger often? Little brother, of course. After him walking into her room without knocking, she flew off the handle, ran down the stairs after him, and yelled. Now I can't describe why this was any different than any other time I have had sibling rivalry in my house. After all, with 5 kids, they are bound to have a swarming love hate hive going on. As she approached her little brother, she pushed him on his shoulders with her open palms, then said something only he could hear, and finally turned to me with a big smile, trying to make me think everything was ok. What I actually saw was a ghost from the past smiling, mocking, manipulating, and getting ready for something much larger. I told them both that I could not handle that in my house. I looked her in the eye and asked her what made her so mad because I didn't understand how coming into your room without knocking could send you that far off the rocker unless there was something missing from the story. She just kept giving me that wide smile with the mischevious eyes that I don't trust. Looks and actions like that hold so many nightmares for me. Nightmares from which I would have to get up and go to work with all the hate and violence in me from the night before. nightmares from which I would have to use extra makeup to cover up the evidence or try to forget the words, the threats, and the ugliness. I don't know why I still have these hauntings in me. The best and final answer is that there is a purpose. It brings me to a place where only my sweet Father God can heal. Only He can reassure, and only He can use for His glory. It is only in His mighty yet gentle hands that we can truly have our broken hearts healed and restored. He is our kinsman redeemer. He is proud to stand in the gap for us.
Thank you my Father. Heal my memories, use me entirely for Your glory. Help me to remember that my reality now is You. Joy, Peace, Love. Perfect love that casts out all fear. Amen.

Revolutionary

2009-09-07T01:06:00.004-05:00

There is a song by beautiful Bethany Dillon called, "Revolutionaries" and it talks about how if we all just loved each other the way that Jesus has loved us, we would be called revolutionary. I have been reading this amazing book called "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It narrates his personal journey from believing in God through living a life that is godly. He is not anything like a fundamentalist or a evangelist, or anything like that, it is just the tale of his real life human journey through selfishness and egomaniacal living that each and every one of us deal with ( or choose not to) and have to come to grips with in order to live the way our Savior has called us to live. I love the book. It is really giving me so much to think about. In tandem with my bible studies through Grand Canyon U and sermons at Gateway, it has me thinking.

How revolutionary would it be if we just introduced Jesus to people by our actions and not any of our words? If we fed those who needed to be fed, clothed those who needed to be clothed, and served all people around us in love. Really. Not the give 10 bucks so church can feed the needy, but if we rolled up our sleeves and fed some people. Not on holidays, but throughout the year when nobody is looking. What would happen? We could start a revolution.

What if we told people our stories so they would know how amazing Jesus is, but didn't give ourselves any credit at all? What if we just focused on what He did? What if we just looked around, saw a need, met it, and kept going instead of pausing for recognition, or thanks, or anything?

We are nothing. We have nothing. We can't do anything on our own. It all boils down to 2 things: Knowing Jesus and making Him known. Not me. Not how smart I am, how "together" I have it. I don't want people to spend time with me and see Allison. I want people to spend time with me and feel as if they have been loved by the Father. I want people to come into my house and feel like they are comfortable, warm, snuggly, and refreshed in the Holy Spirit.

God is so incredibly amazing. He rocks our world, and He does it through Love. We are His hands and feet. I am called to love my 6th graders, my parents, my teachers, my personal family, my own kids, my husband, myself (even when I am disgusting) and people I don't even know.

They will know us by our LOVE.

Revolutionary!

Nothing Doesn't Matter

2009-06-05T07:35:00.003-05:00

"Indescribable,... You are amazing God!!"
How many times have I walked by a buffet table and rationalized it to myself... just one, it doesn't matter? How many times have I snapped back a smart answer to a student and think, it is no big deal, they talk to me like that all the time. How many times have I allowed my kids, my husband, my friends to walk by me or a day go by without telling them something to lift them up. "How are you? I love you! Have a great day!"?
I was looking online trying to find some motivation to get into shape this summer, looking at the 24 hour fitness website and they had testimonials of people who'd worked out at 24h and had results, etc. I came upon Andre Agassi, who was a childhood hero of mine, and I read his testimonial. Honestly, I don't remember anything that was there except when it said "I knew I had to make every single work out count."
That hit me from out of left field, right on the side of my head! Make...every...single...thing...count.... Hm... what does that look like? So I started thinking about my family. After a crazy last month of school, I'd become so complacent in my marriage. God totally highlighted Tracey in my mind. He works on his feet all day and then comes home and helps me too. 5 out of 7 nights, he cooks, he rarely sits down until everything is straightened up and squared away. How incredibly blessed am I? I have rubbed his feet, back, and really tried to make every second with him count. My kids are so wonderful. Spencer and Ashley got new haircuts on Wednesday, and they look awesome. It was my honor to take them to get that done. Liam helped me through a melt down when the realtor was coming on Wednesday, Seth welcomes me with a smile and a hug each time I walk into the room. Jayde still calls me...even though it is only every once in a while. I am so blessed by the love that my Father bestows upon me.
For a mousey little girl who never fit in to the group, my Daddy has made a place for me. Every single second, every single workout, every single snack, every single smile; they all count.

Lord, I pray that my praise to You is like a sweet fragrance up to Heaven. You have healed my wounded soul, my broken heart, and my heavy wings. Only You could have worked such a miracle in my life. I praise You Father for this day and each day You have ordained for me. Help us Lord to wipe away the cobwebs of our hearts and our minds to praise You in the sunshine and LOVE them. Love them like You have loved us.

Romans 12:2 Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

2009-05-21T11:34:00.002-05:00

"If you don't see God in everything, you won't see God in anything."
Look around you. What do you see? The pleading eyes of a child asking for attention. An elderly lady needing an arm to lean on walking across the street.
A friend's desperate call late at night for strength.

You are the blessing. Somebody is hungry, you have the food. Somebody is lonely, you have the smile. Somebody is frustrated and angry, you have the understanding. Somebody is desperate, you have the answers. Be the blessing. It doesn't take a theology degree or a special collar or outfit. It doesn't require a title or some letters behind your name. It takes a pure heart and a servant's spirit. Seeing the world through our Lord's eyes brings a different hue to everything. I want to be a "son" flower. I want to bloom in His light. I want to grow towards Him and seek Him in everything. No looking back. No fear, no living in the past. There is no condemnation in Christ. I want this to spread, like a plague. A plague of freedom and worship. Be blessed, my dear friends. God is great all the time... All the time, God is great.

Dusting away the cobwebs

2009-04-22T13:24:00.003-05:00

Wow! It seems like forever since I have stepped into this room... I see things I recognize, but there are cobwebs all over everything. I walk over to the couch covered by the dusty sheets to protect it. Wow, this is pretty comfortable, although haaaaa haaaa haaaachooooo! The dust gets to me every time. My 200 mph sneeze has kicked up even more dust. Let me open this dirty window and get some fresh air. Hey! There is a fan over in that window, plugged in too. Ooooh, now that breeze feels better. Getting everything moving in this attic really gives me pause to reflect...

This school year is almost over. So much has changed. I started this year out so ready for amazing things to happen. So rearing to make a difference, yet suddenly I can look back over the occurences of this year and really testify to the fact that life is what happens when you are busy making plans. This year, I was honored with facilitator of my department, but eventually fell out of grace with the administrator and it was torn from me. 3 school days later, the same administrator called me into her office and in humiliation, I was notified that she was not going to recommend my contract with the district be terminated at the end of the term. I was devastated. I questioned everything about my teaching career even though it was only 3 years old. I didn't want anything to do with this school ever again, or any school for that matter. But, all in all, God is great, all the time. I aligned my spirit with how He wanted me to be and I have renewed my joy and serving spirit so that I can glorify Him in this place. People have come out of the woodwork in encouragement and support for me. It has been the blessing.
My daughter came started this year on a positive note, but unfortunately it didn't end that way. She yet again got in trouble for truancy and was court ordered to get her GED. She passed! Then, she got a job! Praise the Lord! Then, she decided she was too big to follow rules, so she packed up all of her stuff and moved in with her boyfriend. TRAGEDY! I can hear the Bee Gees in the background now! The thing about it is, she will have to come to a place where she can make decidions based on her mind, objectively instead of emotionally. It is a struggle, but life is a good teacher and she is getting an education one way or another. We will see what is in store for her.
Our house is going up for sale. We are trying to sell it asap. We are downsizing in size and in cost. I am looking forward to having a more compact house. I need some coziness. I am blessed by whatever the Lord has for me, but my heart desires comfort and cozy. He is in control of it, and I am going to go where he leads.

The longer I sit on this comfy couch, the sleepier I get. I am going to relax with the sun shining on me, the fan blowing in my hair, and take a little nap.

My love to all.

Oh, hey! My little sister and brother are graduating this next month! I am so excited! 2 trips East, Yeehaw!!!

Fear, Failure, and the Power of Love

2009-03-13T08:33:00.004-05:00

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:19

What I thought would never happen, happened. I got fired. You know what? That is ok with me. As it turned out, I had the opportunity to resign, and that has been a freeing experience for me. What I have realized is that I do love to teach. I do love my students. That was something that I was not entirely convinced of when this all went came down. Actually that day, I never wanted to see the inside of a classroom again. But, some kind of miraculous emerging occurred that day.
I was first removed from facilitator, then I was made aware that my principal would not be renewing my contract with the district. It was completely humiliating and I could hardly hold my head up the next day. I thought everyone was looking right through me. I felt their questions boring into me as I passed through the halls. The head of human resources for the district called me into his office and we discussed my options. I chose to sign a letter of resignation instead of allow her to terminate my contract. The moment I did that, I felt the whole responsibility to please her was dissolved and my passion for my students was rekindled. I realized that without the debilatating fear of an upcoming attack, I could really get into what I was doing again. I could seek out the passion with which I started teaching. I truly wanted to get back into the day by day enjoying of what I was doing. When I was faced with choosing something else, I took a hard look at myself and realized that I really do love these kids. I want to work on getting it right every day, and I can clearly see places in my routine that need some help. Isn't that the constant in any profession though; seeing things that need improvement and continuously honing them in order to be better and stronger every year? I know I will never be perfect, which means I will always have room for improvement.
Perfect love casts out all fear. Tracey, Mary, Vonda, my parents, my family, have shown perfect and wonderful love through this whole ordeal. It has been a wonderful experience, albeit incredibly stressful, and I know that the other side of this will be a blessing. God is for me, who can be against me? Now we just have TAKS looming. I am pumped about Taks bootcamp that I am running for my students and they are going to do great! Yeah!
Over and out.

Expectations and Realizations

2008-12-16T11:54:00.002-06:00

When I started this blog, I really was so excited and just KNEW I was going to blog often. I think I probably expected to have time to write weekly, sometimes daily. What was I thinking? Hardly anyone reads this, I write sporatically, it is full of useless chatter, what is the point? Well, I have to realize that there is a purpose in here somewhere.
I am on a journey. At different points in my life, I have felt like I was just so sure of what was going to happen, that I could handle it, and that I was totally in control. Isn't that the time that my Father steps in and says... tap tap tap (on my shoulder), WHOOOOO is in control? Hmm? Is it you or is it Me? The realization that He is in control is a 2 edged sword. It is hard for me to give Him control, but once I do, the relief is often tangible. He is so good.
When I look back on this year, I realize how many expectations that I have had going in and the Lord, thank goodness, took care of things. It is amazing how he can orchestrate something that is so incredibly better that we could have imagined, just as He has promised.
Expect to realize that our God is amazing and His hands are more powerful than all the days of our planning could ever be.

Be Blessed. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Thanksgiving Bliss

2008-11-30T18:35:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving. What an incredible idea! We should spend all this time and money getting a whole bunch of food together, watching a crazy football game, running around the days before preparing, cleaning, stuffing things away so the "family and friends" that we are so thankful for don't see the real us.... is it very edifying? What if we slowed it down, asked everyone to bring their absolutely favorite dish, enough to share, filled in with our own main meat or dessert, and then just cleared a spot on the couch and enjoyed each other? What if everyone brought one thing about the year that blew them out of the water with thankfulness, whether it be a scripture, a picture, a story, or whatever, and then instead of watching someone else play a crazy game, we could really talk from the heart, share the struggles, pains, and victories that Christ has led us through in the last year? I think Jesus would feel much more welcome at that table.
Being able to spend a holiday at my grandmother's house this year was an incredible blessing. Being 86, she often says, "If I am here next year..." She is incredible, being exceedingly more comfortable with the idea of her next adventure in Heaven. All my life I can remember her talking about when she dies this, or when she dies that. I shudder to think of my reaction, but I am continually honored by the blessing that she has enriched my life with in her time here. I adore the way she accepts my family with all of its quirks and craziness, the step kids, the new hubby, the drama of teenagers, all with a love and a grace that is strictly God given. It is precious to be in her presence.
Eating with my mother, dad, sister, brother, cousins, aunt, and of course my beautiful husband and kids was wonderful. My mom went all out, cooking, cleaning, detailing things that we made sure to appreciate. So often in the hustle and bustle, people forget the details that the host/hostess focus on. New pillows here, new bathtub grout there, anything to improve upon the foundation for the celebration. It is a glorious event. My mother does such a wonderful job, but I suspect her biggest thankfulness comes with the last guest driving away. Such a bittersweet thankfulness. I pulled it off, I fed, I cleaned, I hosted, and now I can sit!! Whew! I hope that we all sufficiently let her know how much we appreciated her!

Well, my thanks extends to everyone and everything that the Lord has blessed me with, all the people along the way, all the experiences to shape me into something that hopefully looks more like him. Something else, today at church, the pastor mentioned that the more thankful we are, the less deceived we are by the enemy. Lies of the world would tell us that we are responsible for all the good that comes into our lives is our own doing. We are blessed by our Lord that is in control of everything. Praise Him! I praise Him for You!

I know... MIA

2008-11-07T09:31:00.002-06:00

So much has happened in the last long while since I have posted. The election, the school year's progression, and so many details it is hard to comprehend. The bigger picture is that I have gotten worked up in the daily grind, given Him glory along the way, but haven't spent real time in His presence. I am empty, frustrated, and ineffective. I am lonesome for my Father's face. I have evolved into the teacher I never wanted to be, frustrated and hating my students most days. I have been more exhausted than I have been in a long time. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I just need to bow down, submit, and be changed. My youngest son has expressed his desire to go live with his dad because they have a much more predictable lifestyle. At my house, we are always running around, getting home late, eating late, and with me working 30 minutes away, my school day away from my babies is a very long one. He is feeling the distance and he desires a place where he can feel secure with his parents around him. Who can blame him? I don't, but I was very saddened by the reality call. It made me certain about the fact I am going to work close to where I live next year, and really schedule family time. I don't want my kids to think that I don't want to be around them, and they are stuck without me. My youngest is my most sensitive and I want him to feel secure and loved by me, not just a ward in my care.

Father, you see what is happening around me. I know that I need to just ask what I want and You are faithful to help me refocus or achieve the goals that You have set for my life. When I come to you revealing my true heart and intentions, You are amazing about revealing the root of my problem or helping me find a peace about what the issue really is. I want to hide in the shadow of Your wings and find the peace that can only come from You. I love You, Lord, and I praise You for being such an awesome Dad. When I stay too long away, You wait patiently until I return. Thank you. I love You, Amen.

Blessed some more...

2008-09-06T23:02:00.004-05:00

How do you hear God? In the quiet moments, when I can slow down this crazy life I have signed up for, sometimes it is not so easy. I am reading the most amazing book, "The Shack" right now. It is reshaping the way I see my "Papa" and changing the way I see Him and see myself. I want so much more, but I struggle to put everything else aside and really get close to Him. I long to immerse myself in the Spirit. I wish I were able to work at church and just live there.

When I was a little girl, attending Catholic middle school, I used to want to be a nun. As I got older, I thought I was crazy. What kind of life was that? Now, I remember it and wonder if I'd known myself better then than when I grew up a little. I would hate for spending time with Papa to have to be a chore, or an obligation. If it is truly from my heart, then why would I need to have time created for me, when I should put it first, regardless of what my schedule dictates?

School has started. I am the head of the Math department this year. We are trying to come back from academic unacceptability. I have 8 teachers that rely on me to advocate for them. I love it. It grows me into being more assertive and more proactive. I also have to think on my feet a lot more. Jesus definitely has a plan for me. I want to be right smack in the middle of it. I started a prayer group this past week. One person came, and we shared burdens, and that was such a blessing. What I love even more than that, is that people who can't come are welcomed to give me their burdens, and I will lift them up to Papa on their behalf and people are trusting me with their hearts. It is an awesome blessing and responsibility. I want to be able to be trusted with their situations and really lift these prayers to the Heavens. I love being at school, yet being able to be at my Father's business. I love Him so much. My Father loves me, sustains me, and I want to follow wherever He leads. I am so blessed to be the daughter of my parents, the parent to my children, the wife to my husband, and the princess to my Papa. I am blessed to be the teacher to my students, the coworker to my teachers, and the friend to my friends. I love my life, I praise my Lord, I revel in Him.

Addonai, El Shaddai, You alone are God. Jesus, we cry out Your name.

Fragrance

2008-08-12T22:37:00.003-05:00

Isn't it incredible how a smell can take us back to another place in an instant? My grandmother had a very specific brand of face powder. Cody loose powder. I honestly don't even know if they sell that anymore, but sometimes I will get a whiff of it in the drug store and I can close my eyes and literally see her dressing table, with the pink ruffle, the dark wood, the 3 mirrors, and a plethera of parfume bottles all over the top of it.
If you were a smell, what would you be? If your words, your actions, your thoughts were smells, what would they smell like? I know that all too often lately, my thoughts have been in the range of skunk to day old garbage in the hot sun. If I could just... fill in the blank, could it be... have more quiet time? Spend more money on things I need? Lose more weight? Make more money? Have a better husband? Have nicer kids? Balance my checkbook?
If I could just turn everything over to my Father, really rely on Him, really pour out my heart to Him, what would I smell like then? I want to smell like a rose, gentle, sweet, and beautiful. What would it take really, for me to commit to that? Jesus, Help me.
Think of the bucket philosophy. Throughout my summer, I was blessed to be able to spend one month with some incredibly talented teachers. We were taught about the bucket. Are you filling the bucket of other people? Are you emptying the bucket?
As I walk up to the counter of an overworked and underpaid store clerk, am I fussing at her because her store doesn't carry what I am demanding, or am I calling the manager over, asking him about the product as well as complimenting his employee on her excellent customer service. Now, are we talking about giving a bunch of lip service to people who don't deserve it? Not a chance, but what I am talking about is focusing on what people are doing well, so they will feel good about doing more of it, and then be better prepared to deal with the negatives.
Recall your interactions throughout the day, did you add to or take away from the value in the people's bucket that you saw?
Make a renewed commitment to fill the buckets of those around you and in turn, fill the Heavens with a sweet fragrance... smell like Jesus!
Much love.

I Stand in Awe and Wonder

2008-07-31T21:03:00.003-05:00

Our creator is infinitely amazing. When I see my kids do or learn what they are supposed to, I am amazed. It is not of me. My Father is in control because it is nothing that I can do in my power that is going to be life changing for them.
As I wrote a couple of posts back, my daughter and I were going through a "thing". Mostly, I was holding on too tightly. I was so afraid that I had made a mistake and not taught her what she needed to know, that she was going to use her new freedom to ruin the plans that God had for her. I held on too tight, she pulled away, I grasped for more, finally I freaked out. I just shared my tears and heart with her. I was able to be completely honest about my fears for her and really become transparent with her. She was an amazing listener and we have been doing very well ever since.
Fear is a trigger of mine. I have lived with it most of my life. Fears of being invisible, not measuring up, rejection, failure, and poverty are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. These fears have kept me in bondage for a long time. I have quite a story to tell of how the enemy planted those seeds in my mind, but the point is, who watered them all this time? Who made the choice to see the wrinkles, gray, cellulite, and deem them "ugly" instead of "wise"? Who looked at various circumstances in her life and compared herself to other women and saw the shortcoming ONLY? Sorry, friends... it was me. I did that. I hung my head and opened the door and told the devil that he was right. What? How ridiculous is that? But we all do it sometimes. Instead of guarding the hearts that the Lord has blessed us with, we lend an audience to the laundry list the devil would like to remind us of... But you know what? I have probably said this before, but my Daddy loves me. Loves me with a fierce kind of love. He knew the days of my life and He knew where He found me. He used the circumstances around me to bring me to Him, so He doesn't need the little peon devil to tell.
Sometimes I believe that if Jesus only knew how bad I was... but I know better. My brain knows better. I need to know it in my bones, though; know it in my knower, as a dear friend of mine used to say. I look in the mirror and allow others to define the beauty in my life. I allow TV and the media to give me parameters that I should fit into in order to see myself as acceptable. Please Jesus, heal my wounded mind and my broken heart. Help us to all see us as Your princess, the way we were called to be. You are our Savior, and the Author and Finisher of our faith. Thank you, Jesus. We give You all the Glory.
Amen.

Checking in...

2008-07-22T17:13:00.002-05:00

Wow! It has been too long since I last blogged. In the middle of the summer that I have "off" (HA) I have been stuck in a month long teaching course and have been slaving away in crazy inservice days that seem to last forever... Please forgive my lack of communication.

In the face of rising gas prices, increasing housing costs, and every other kind of rising prices, we are considering our options. Selling our house... buying another... renting... location, location, location,... considering the burden of moving after having purchased my first new home and being disenchanted by the experience and now the overwhelming rising prices. When everywhere you look, you see desperation, panic, and negativity, what are we to do?

Look up.

Our Father is the God of now. He is never going to do better for us than right now. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will take care of itself, looking into his amazing eyes, we can see that He is faithful, soverign, and working hard in today's situation.
My personality resists change. I have taken probably half a dozen personality tests this summer in order to determine my best teaching strategies and understand all the different kids that I will be teaching. I am green. I resist change and want everybody to get along. I just wish I knew where we were supposed to get along! Please pray for direction, clear vision, and obedience on our parts in order to walk through this situation. I praise the Lord that I have a home. I praise the Lord in everything. How about you?

Mama and Daughter at the same time...

2008-07-14T23:09:00.003-05:00

Incredible. When we are out of options... or are smart enough to admit none of ours are worth a hill of beans, our Heavenly Father reminds us gently of who He is. My daughter and I are getting along so much better. Revelation is an incredible miracle in the face of my carnal hard headedness. So many things I perceived as wrong and hurtful growing up, oddly enough, take a different shape when I am walking through raising a daughter of my own. Although I would have preferred a different wrapping, I realize now that the gifts my parents actually gave me weren't so bad. I learned so many things from having to deal with things on my own. I wish that I hadn't felt so alone a lot of times as I walked through the consequences of my choices, but I had to walk them out. Removing me from my difficult situations would have taught me nothing. I had the opportunity to tell my mom that yesterday. I was able to tell her what a great job I thought she did even though I didn't realize it at the time. I absolutely hate that it took me 18 years after leaving home to realize this. I hope that my kids don't take that long.
Remember that our Father leads us through the thorns so that we will appreciate the roses. Remember that He will never make our solution look like we thought it would, and PRAISE HIM FOR THAT! HE IS BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN WE CAN EVER CONCEIVE!!!
I am blessed for the hardships in my life. I don't know many people who have come full on submitting to Jesus while skipping down the flowery trail of peace and happiness. If we could create a life like that for ourselves, what good was the Cross? We need Him more than we could ever imagine.
He knows where He found us, He knows where He wants us to go, and we need to shutup, submit, and get out of His way, so we can go where only HE can bring us!!!
In Jesus' Name,
AMEN!!!!

Photosynthesis

2008-07-08T16:52:00.002-05:00

Why does growing up have to be so hard? Hard on the kids, hard on the parents. I have to be completely honest; going through the teenage years makes me wonder if I'd known what my kids were going to have to go through, would I have subjected them to it? Granted, I realize that my beautiful kids have not had the ideal situation in growing up. Generational curses plagued us and sometimes still do, but still... It is sooo freakin' hard!!!
My oldest and I feel like a million miles apart. It is killing me but I don't know how to fix it. I am praying that the Lord will work it out. I am actually praising Him for working it out. When there is no more us, He kicks in, and the sooner the better. I face disrespect, disillusion, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, hopelessness, and just downright depression in the face of the mountain of teenager that I feel I will have to climb to do this. "My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I know in my head that if I gave it to Him more often, I would know that satisfaction and peace comes from knowing who is in control. I feel exhausted by this fight and sometimes can't even get out of bed. All 4 of my other kiddos are incredible, but when this one is separated, I have to go and leave the 99 and bring back that 1.
Lord Jesus, You are the most powerful. Nothing in the realm of good or evil compares to you. I am so thankful that You are in control because there is no energy left in me to fight this battle. My daughter is lost in the sea of indecision and indifference and I yearn for her to find You in the midst of her uncertainty of future. She thinks she is the only one who has ever tried to buck up against authority, who doesn't know what they want to do when they grow up, and can't see where they fit in. When I try to encourage or teach her, she totally shuts down and it is heartbreaking. Give me just a glimpse Lord, please. Give me some kind of word that it will work out. I know that rarely do we come to you without brokenness and serve you out of love. Lord protect her and keep her safe for You and You alone. I rebuke any plans the enemy has for her failure or demise. I trust You Father. I praise you, even in the storm. You are a mighty God.
In Jesus's precious name, Amen.

Let's get serious-Our calling

2008-06-25T21:32:00.003-05:00

It is easy to write how the day has gone, how the weather is feeling, and how the bills are (or are not) getting paid. It is easy to keep things surfacy. I am fed up with surface. Where are the difficult questions and why am I not asking enough of them? What are we really doing for the Kingdom? As I walk through my day, what is ETERNAL about it? I am making an investment, whether in the kingdom of the tangible and of the carnal, or is it in the ETERNAL? Either right or wrong, either closer or father away. Which is it? Jesus will not put up with us lukewarm. Right now. Where we are. Midstride... Yes or no? If we are ashamed of Jesus now, He will be ashamed of us before His Father, God. I cringe at the thought. But what am I doing? Am I satisfied with my testimony? I have 5 amazingly beautiful children. Are they all saved and living for Jesus? Would they be raptured if the trumpet were called right this minute? I can say yes to 2 only. That is a pathetic account, but it is the truth. My teenagers aren't sure what they are feeling and what their decision is. I will have to answer for that. When Jesus asks me what I thought the most important thing was, and I say,"To make sure they felt loved, taken care of, with intact senses of self", He will say not good enough. It is not good enough.

I am reading the Left Behind series right now and am in the middle of book number five. I realize this is fictional and they are living in a different time than I am, but the battle is just as fierce. Having to correct my children of picking up behaviors of the world seems like a neverending and defeating battle. I feel like sometimes I am going back to square one again, like I need to quit my job and focus on raising my children because they still act like they don't know that when the car is moving, the seat belts should be on. WHAT IS THAT? I have taught them that since day one of their riding in cars career and yet, 9 years later it has slipped their minds. I just want to sit in the middle of the floor and pull my hair out. I wonder if I am really doing anything, making any difference. As believers, our children and we are called to be set apart from the world. Where they are permiscuous, we are to be modest and reserved. Where they are loud and brash, we are called to the gentle and quiet spirit. Where they are all about themselves, we are to glorify our Lord instead. Why? Besides being obedient to the Word, it is because we have to recognize that we are SPECIAL. When we waste ourselves on the frivolity of the world and don't see ourselves as precious and created entirely beautifully, we are wasting ourselves, and when something is used over and over again for nothing special, then we become nothing special. Would you wear a tuxedo or a formal dress to breakfast everyday? No! That sounds ridiculous. Wearing it over and over again for a casual occasion totally takes away the purpose and special feeling of that outfit. Right? As a result, we have to keep ourselves for the special occasion we were designed for. A mother with a calling to love her husband and raise her children with an annointing. A father to lead his family in righteousness. Ministers who have hearts for intercessory prayer, healing, evangelism, encouragement, whatever. These are our formal occasions to become the people that glorify the Lord. Glorify.

Lord, be magnified in me. I love you so much. I could never express how grateful I am to have the next breath that you have ordained in my body. Thank you for changing the heart in my chest. Thank you for giving me beauty for ashes, gladness for mourning, strength for fear, and creating in me a woman of modesty. When I look in the mirror, I see a little girl who can recognize that her Daddy is working on her behalf. I can feel the once broken heart strengthening in the face of challenge. It is all You, Father. My Daddy, Abba Father. I praise Your Holy Name.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Trusting our Father to Drive

2008-06-22T11:47:00.004-05:00

How long has it been since you reached out to the people around you and really told them how you feel? I was listening to a Christian radio call-in show the other day and the psychologist was recommending a girl tell her fiance' how she really felt. The Dr. told the caller that what most relationships are missing is truth. People can handle the truth so much better than we expect. Truth gives people a real reflection of how they are seen by others. In love; much, much love, we are called to be honest with one another. Hmmm... That is a difficult one.
My daughter and I were engaged in a strongly emotional discussion last evening (ie: argument) about her new driving practices. It was heartbreaking to me; her attitude of entitlement and her brashness in response to my suggestive correction of her driving. Teachable attitude, I told her, was all I was asking for. Instead, she would rather not drive, she shot back. OOOOOHHHHH I could have exploded. I just kept my mouth shut tightly until she passed a police officer traveling at 10 mph over the limit! I was incensed. I had lots of honest things I could have said right at that moment. Luckily, I waited until she was out of the car and out of earshot before I started yelling. My dear and wonderful husband now has the blessing of responsibility to develop her driving skills. The hardest thing for me is not that she was making a mistake, but that she allowed her emotion to drive the car. She let her emotion drive... I will get back to that in a minute, I feel a lesson brewing there...
I began letting her drive back in March during Spring break. She did famously. I was incredibly proud of her as she took turns carefully, made complete stops, and asked for advice and guidance and in return taking it graciously. Where did that driver go? She has been swallowed up by the "I am 16 and know all" monster. How sad. How do I communicate in a positive loving way that I have all the faith in the world in her, but she has to be willing to learn? I am praying about that and would appreciate all of the fortification of that prayer that you can help me with.

Back to emotions driving the car. Is emotion driving my car? My car of life? Your car of life? I think we all need to take a step back and realize that our commitments are not based on feelings.

I love my husband. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been with anyone in my life. I am blessed every day by him, yet, I sometimes need a second to count to 10 in order to prevent my temper from rearing its ugly head. We don't always agree on all decisions , see eye to eye on everything, raise our children the same, and the list goes on and on. On those difficult days, sometimes weeks, my covenant kicks in, Praise the Lord, almost immediately. The long life I have walked through taps me on the shoulder, reminding me that this is not show friends, this is show business, and my husband is the other half of me. My love is my promise, not my feeling. Luckily, it is the same structure for my kids. The love for them is filled with emotion and feeling, but my commitment to them is not based on how obedient they are, how warm and cuddly they are, how respectful, polite, neat and tidy, organized, blah blah blah they are. It is the promise that I made when they were born, that I would love them, work to give them the best I had to prepare them for God's call on their life, and usher them into adulthood ready to succeed, that is my love. It runs deeply and miraculous. Miraculous is the addition of 2 incredibly children into my heart's fold that may not have been birthed by me, but are certainly underneath the shadow of my love for them. They are a part of me, and the Lord designed that incredible adoption. What a blessing they are to me, even when they join the other ranks in propelling me toward mind and hairloss (pulling it out).
I am blessed beyond belief by the relationships that the Lord has put in my life. He knew so well how much I would need a tribe around me to be His hands and feet in my life at any given moment. 5 out of the 6 may be revolting, but there is always that one that flashes a smile, gives me a thumbs up, or wants to climb into my lap and snuggle. That is God whispering to me, "I am still in control, I still love you, and I am still at work in this." That is all I need to know.

Fire

2008-06-16T21:12:00.003-05:00

Trial by fire..., "You're fired", Refined by the fire, "Things We Lost in the Fire"...

All of those references to fire, but a variety of meanings...

I watched the above mentioned movie this past week, "Things We Lost in the Fire". TEAR JERKER!!! There are a few movies that have really rocked me, that one, City of Angels (about 10 years ago) and Million Dollar Baby(Always protect yourself). These are movies about love and loss, perseverence, strength, beauty in the face of tragedy... I am sure we could all list more themes that touched us, but they are very emotional women in very developmental situations.

Bonnie Raitt has a song that has a memorable line for me... " Women, we're the strong ones, somehow we always make it through, but the way I feel right now, I don't even think its true. To me their lots more broken, than anyone can really see. The way the angels turn their backs on some... its a mystery to me..."

Our backs are broken on so many things in this life. Death, literal and perverbial, life, born and lost, experiences that would shake many to their core, these are the things that we are made of. (What happened to sugar and spice?) The fire.... It burns so deeply, but we are so refined. When we come out on the other side, and the pain subsides, the tears dry, and the clouds part, sometimes it isn't until we are sitting on the couch in the quiet, with our perfectly prepared coffee, our flannel jammies on, that we realize, "hey... the rain stopped. I can see the sun shining." What we have to remember is it is the Son shining. He is so faithful. I stand in awe of the fire he has allowed in my life and the lives of those around me.

I love my children so much. I can feel them in my arms. I can conjure up the actual softness of their skin agains my fingertips in my mind when they are away. I can close my eyes, clear out the cobwebs, and remember how amazing they were when they were first walking, talking, or dressing themselves. But you had better believe that when they crossed the line between good and evil and thought they were going to dance on the other side, I wore them out. Often times I would give them a spanking, send them to bed, and then cry alone in my bedroom, aching to just give them a hug and kiss and snuggle in bed with them instead. It was my love and my dream for successful and blessed lives that I gave them those heart wrenching spankings. I refused to allow them to get used to being outside of the plan that God had for them, instead ushering them to walk in obedience, be respectful, or whatever the case may have been.

Our fire. It often comes from our Father who loves us too much to let us stray. Of course there is the fire that we so innocently light and play in and then beg for the Great Fire Extinguisher for rescue! Either way, He is faithful to draw us near to Him if we will just submit to the fire and allow Him to do the work. Relax, my beloved. Hide under the shadow of His wings. The fire will come, it will purge the impurities, and on the other side, we will look more like Him. How will we know? We will see the difference. When we look to the world and the things that used to be so comfortable and familiar? It will be stranger and stranger to us. Us who are called by His name...

Walk in the blessing and the love that is Your fire.

oxox.

Priorities

2008-06-11T23:13:00.005-05:00

Good grief Charlie Brown! It is hard to set priorities sometimes!

My dear husband is struggling through a college course in order to push himself further in his career, provide for our family, and prove to himself that his potential is farther reaching than he has achieved so far. I whole heartedly agree, but at the same time, I want him to check himself. Compromises must be made.

When I set out to get my degree in January of 1995, I was completely ready to be a nurse. I tried to get through Anatomy and Physiology, and failed. Twice. I was the single mom of one child, and could not wrap my mind around all of that memorization while I was trying to figure out potty training, welfare applications, and trying not to eat very much. I pushed on and tried again. I couldn't get through it. I changed my major. Like... 2 times. I tried nursing again after another failed marriage, this time with 3 beauties in tow, and failed. Finally, I dropped my quite impressive transcript on the table in front of a dear advisor, and asked with as much grace as I could muster, "What can I get out of here with the fastest?" Enter-sociology. I graduated 10 years later with my Bachelor's of Science degree in Sociology with a minor in Women's Studies. I loved those classes and it was a compromise that was very easy to make. When I got out in December of 2005, could I find a sociology or women's studies job? NO WAY, but I did get to where my Father had designed for me all along, teaching.

My beautiful then fiance' asked the loaded question, "If you could do anything, what would you do?" I thought for only a few moments... "I would teach 7th grade social studies." "Then why are you not doing that?" He replied incredulously. Within 6 months of that statement, I was seeking a teaching position with my alternative certification begun and 3 years to complete it, but I could teach!!! I landed an amazingly hard first year, and fell head over heels with a career. A CAREER!!! I could not believe I was in a real job.

Of course, I want this epiphany kind of joy for everyone. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are so many beautiful and precious people slaving along in jobs that they dread going to every day. It seems so logical to me... if we are all strategically designed parts of the Body of Christ, we should each have a specific calling, and if we did what we were supposed to do, wouldn't we all have the jobs we were designed to have and be happy as larks? I know... Utopic and far fetched in this day in age of such anger, such abuse, such loveless streets around us. How awesomely, desperately sad.

If you are reading my post right now, sit in the quiet calm of the cool (if you can find it) of the day, search your heart and have the courage to ask yourself, "If I could do ANYTHING, what would it be?" It may not be a career, it may be eat macaroni and cheese for dinner, it may be take a quiet bath with candles, it may be sing a child to sleep, it might be wish on a star. Then again, it might be get the heck out of dodge and ride my bike down to the creek and jump in!

Whatever it is, find the place where you feel most like yourself and listen to the still quiet voice of the Lord that loves you. He wants to give you shade underneath His amazing protection, He wants to trade our complicated ever-so-rushed-yoke for His yoke that is easy and light.

Listen.... Listen....

Be blessed.

Children

2008-06-10T11:10:00.006-05:00

My children are gone... all except one. My boys are with their dad and my daughters are with friends, and that leaves the oldest boy here sleeping in, playing guitar, and totally being awesome. It is always good when somebody stays behind to keep mom from losing her mind! I am sooo in love

with my kiddos. I am so blessed everyday by them. Even when I am squeezing my eyes shut in the chaos, after 20 minutes of peace and quiet, I am missing them!

Quiet Tuesday on the home front... laundry, dishes, dusting, etc... Get it while the gettin's hot! Tomorrow there will be fires to put out, so I'd better do all I can today!

Have a wonderful and blessed day!

Leaving A Legacy

2008-06-09T00:04:00.004-05:00

"I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love" Nicole Nordemon's song, "Legacy" has always been a favorite of mine. How do I want to be remembered? What are my family values that I want to pass down? What is my culture that I want to create?

Hmmm. Food for thought. what is yours? Tell us about it.

I want my children to know that no matter what they have done, what they have said to me or someone else, whatever season of their life they are in, they have their mom in their corner. I may not agree with their choices, but I have raised them to love and serve the Lord first and then His people. What else is important? Everything else comes from that I think.

I want my students to know that I believe in their excellence, their dreams, their plights, and their success. I want them to know that I am fighting for things they can not see yet in themselves. I want my classroom to be a place of respect, freedom to think and make mistakes, and a shelter from the storm.

I want my life to show a pursuit of transparency, of giving everything my all and doing the best I can. I want to display an honest and humble reflection of my Lord that sustains me.

I want my husband to feel honored and truly loved. As I have said to him, wherever I am, he is always welcome.

It is important for us to consider our culture in every realm of our lives. Although we Americans are so great at compartmentalizing, we must remember that there is a common vein that should be the pathways to all of the different rooms. The love of life and God runs through my worship, my job, my relationships, and my encounters with the world around me.
I am so blessed. The legacy left for me is so rich.
The matriarch of my family, my grandmother, has given me such a rich tapestry of life, love, and talent, that I could not escape reaping some of those glorious rewards. She teaches me constantly the power of words, being a classy woman in any situation, being a straight shooter regardless of the costs, and an appreciation for sweets for breakfast. My mother leaves me a legacy of beautiful music, strong hugs, a strong shoulder to lean on no matter what, and harmony in voice and in life. Through ups and downs, she has been a constant onlooker and bystander, never giving up. My aunt leaves me a legacy of amazing color and fun. Brilliant patterns, exciting and artistic items always immediately bring her to my mind. She has reminded me that one of our family values is appreciating people that are often marginalized in our society and I think my passion for sociology may just have been born out of that. Like my grandmother, my mother, my aunt and I can all strike up a conversation with any food service worker or custodian to remind them how much we appreciate their hard work. My mother can do it even in probably 1/2 dozen different languages! To see and acknowledge people who often feel invisible changes the world one smile at a time. My sister gives me the legacy of a constant listening ear that is ever so objective. I love that! No matter what, she will tell me what she really thinks. That is a gift!!!

I am so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to have loved these amazing women and been molded into a woman with so many of these same characteristics. How grateful I am for these beautiful ladies and so many more like them that have left an incredible legacy in my life. In a world of microwaves, email, and sterility abound, what kind of fingerprints of love can we leave on one another? Find a way to touch someone around you. A legacy of love is never, ever, ever wasted.

And the Beat goes on...

2008-06-07T18:31:00.001-05:00

I love Sonny and Cher. They were so cool on the Carol Burnett show when I was a kid... I just wanted to remember them (remember... remember... remember...) ok. So much for that.

I have been running around today like a chicken with my head cut off. This morning I was in a 3 hour and 45 minute session that gave me incredible insight into living with the Holy Spirit as the captain of my ship. It was incredible. Dr. John Spurling at Gateway Church in North Richland Hills presented an amazing amount of history along with the principals presented. Goodness was it enlightening. I have been in the presence of the Lord so much in the last week, it has left me breathless and longing for more. For Him to speak to me in the still and silent times before the kids have gotten up and around is more than I could ever ask for. Beautiful and radiant is His presence and I want to glorify Him with everything I have and all that I do.

One of the topics today was transparency. Where that used to be a signature of my life, I have realized that I have grown very guarded over the last couple of years. I suppose it had most to do with dreams not fulfilled and expectations not met, and so I have tried to lower my expectations so as not to continually become disappointed. One of my close friends here has shown me that there can be closet transparency, where two people can be transparent to each other and yet guarded with others. I truly enjoy our relationship and it has been an incredible blessing to me, and I want to give more. I want to be a walking Bible that others can read, and I fear that I can't do that if I am in self preservation mode. Gentle quiet spirit may most be needed here. If I am guarding my thoughts, guarding my words, and guarding my actions, then there will be nothing left of me, only Jesus.
My grandmother told me last night that she was grateful that I allowed my individuality and creativity to show through instead of conforming to a set of standards. I felt both agreement and disagreement with that statement. My grandmother is an amazing 80's something woman who is incredibly active in her Sunday school class, but I am left wondering about the Holy Spirit's presence in her statement. Yes, the Lord has made me a very special and intricate being. His daughter, different from everyone else, preciously made, and a very specific calling on my life made only for me, but at the same time, when people really start to know me, I want the Jesus inside of me to shine through. I am a woman after my Father's heart, and I want to be a conduit of His Holy Spirit to flow through, not flow to.

My goal this summer is to play detective and delve under all of these rocks and crevices in my spirit, so that everything comes to the light. I want to hear my Father whisper in my ear. I want to know Him so intimately that I can move in His will without all of the questioning and deliberating back and forth. He is a God of peace, not confusion. Walk with me! Let's see what we can all come up with! Yeah!!!

Wow... Just getting started

2008-06-06T16:10:00.001-05:00

What exactly constitutes interesting? I have this crazy desire to blog, but who knows where it will go...

Finally, school is out. Teaching is an incredible calling on my life. I am already getting jazzed about next year but am so grateful for the summer. Hmmm what is on tap? Trying to get my finances in line with scripture and the directive to be a good steward. Math curriculum organized for next year, and try to relax and spend much needed time with my Lord, family, and wonderful friends.

I did actually get to the gym yesterday. It has been a constant struggle in my life for the past 17 years, ever since I had my daughter. (OMG!) Can't believe it has been that long. Anyway, as I was walking on the treadmill, I was just chatting with Jesus, and I really just had to look around and Praise Him! I had the opportunity to work out! He blessed me with the opportunity to have a gym membership! What kind of favor is that!!! There have been times in my life of extreme poverty and hopelessness. To look around with a spirit of total awe and thankfulness at the blessing of provision over my life! Wow! Then, of course, I had to claim ownership over the gym. I know that sounds crazy, but what I mean is, I had to look around and say, this is my gym. So many times I have gone there with my husband who is in great shape with beautiful muscles and felt totally out of place and completely intimidated. Yesterday for the first time, I had to really change my mind. (Repentance!!!) I had to remember that the Lord blessed me with this membership for a reason. I have a vessel that He has provided for me that I have got to get on board with taking good care of. I have no right to eat crap all the time, sit on the couch, and then look in the mirror with disgust. He has blessed me with life and provision for today. He has opened the opportunity for me to run the distance with Him and actually be able to cross the finish line as He gives me the high five saying, "Well done, My faithful servant!!" How am I really supposed to do that when I am 45 pounds overweight, and exhausted all of the time? I can't see how. So... instead of trying to lose weight to get or keep a man, to fit into something sexy, or to gain someone else's approval, I have to be able to to look in the mirror and say, "There is a call on my life that takes energy, hard work, and commitment. Cowgirl up and get to it!" Then go to another Pilates Reformer class. Awesome!