Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Stand in Awe and Wonder

Our creator is infinitely amazing. When I see my kids do or learn what they are supposed to, I am amazed. It is not of me. My Father is in control because it is nothing that I can do in my power that is going to be life changing for them.
As I wrote a couple of posts back, my daughter and I were going through a "thing". Mostly, I was holding on too tightly. I was so afraid that I had made a mistake and not taught her what she needed to know, that she was going to use her new freedom to ruin the plans that God had for her. I held on too tight, she pulled away, I grasped for more, finally I freaked out. I just shared my tears and heart with her. I was able to be completely honest about my fears for her and really become transparent with her. She was an amazing listener and we have been doing very well ever since.
Fear is a trigger of mine. I have lived with it most of my life. Fears of being invisible, not measuring up, rejection, failure, and poverty are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. These fears have kept me in bondage for a long time. I have quite a story to tell of how the enemy planted those seeds in my mind, but the point is, who watered them all this time? Who made the choice to see the wrinkles, gray, cellulite, and deem them "ugly" instead of "wise"? Who looked at various circumstances in her life and compared herself to other women and saw the shortcoming ONLY? Sorry, friends... it was me. I did that. I hung my head and opened the door and told the devil that he was right. What? How ridiculous is that? But we all do it sometimes. Instead of guarding the hearts that the Lord has blessed us with, we lend an audience to the laundry list the devil would like to remind us of... But you know what? I have probably said this before, but my Daddy loves me. Loves me with a fierce kind of love. He knew the days of my life and He knew where He found me. He used the circumstances around me to bring me to Him, so He doesn't need the little peon devil to tell.
Sometimes I believe that if Jesus only knew how bad I was... but I know better. My brain knows better. I need to know it in my bones, though; know it in my knower, as a dear friend of mine used to say. I look in the mirror and allow others to define the beauty in my life. I allow TV and the media to give me parameters that I should fit into in order to see myself as acceptable. Please Jesus, heal my wounded mind and my broken heart. Help us to all see us as Your princess, the way we were called to be. You are our Savior, and the Author and Finisher of our faith. Thank you, Jesus. We give You all the Glory.
Amen.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Checking in...

Wow! It has been too long since I last blogged. In the middle of the summer that I have "off" (HA) I have been stuck in a month long teaching course and have been slaving away in crazy inservice days that seem to last forever... Please forgive my lack of communication.

In the face of rising gas prices, increasing housing costs, and every other kind of rising prices, we are considering our options. Selling our house... buying another... renting... location, location, location,... considering the burden of moving after having purchased my first new home and being disenchanted by the experience and now the overwhelming rising prices. When everywhere you look, you see desperation, panic, and negativity, what are we to do?

Look up.

Our Father is the God of now. He is never going to do better for us than right now. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will take care of itself, looking into his amazing eyes, we can see that He is faithful, soverign, and working hard in today's situation.
My personality resists change. I have taken probably half a dozen personality tests this summer in order to determine my best teaching strategies and understand all the different kids that I will be teaching. I am green. I resist change and want everybody to get along. I just wish I knew where we were supposed to get along! Please pray for direction, clear vision, and obedience on our parts in order to walk through this situation. I praise the Lord that I have a home. I praise the Lord in everything. How about you?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Mama and Daughter at the same time...

Incredible. When we are out of options... or are smart enough to admit none of ours are worth a hill of beans, our Heavenly Father reminds us gently of who He is. My daughter and I are getting along so much better. Revelation is an incredible miracle in the face of my carnal hard headedness. So many things I perceived as wrong and hurtful growing up, oddly enough, take a different shape when I am walking through raising a daughter of my own. Although I would have preferred a different wrapping, I realize now that the gifts my parents actually gave me weren't so bad. I learned so many things from having to deal with things on my own. I wish that I hadn't felt so alone a lot of times as I walked through the consequences of my choices, but I had to walk them out. Removing me from my difficult situations would have taught me nothing. I had the opportunity to tell my mom that yesterday. I was able to tell her what a great job I thought she did even though I didn't realize it at the time. I absolutely hate that it took me 18 years after leaving home to realize this. I hope that my kids don't take that long.
Remember that our Father leads us through the thorns so that we will appreciate the roses. Remember that He will never make our solution look like we thought it would, and PRAISE HIM FOR THAT! HE IS BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN WE CAN EVER CONCEIVE!!!
I am blessed for the hardships in my life. I don't know many people who have come full on submitting to Jesus while skipping down the flowery trail of peace and happiness. If we could create a life like that for ourselves, what good was the Cross? We need Him more than we could ever imagine.
He knows where He found us, He knows where He wants us to go, and we need to shutup, submit, and get out of His way, so we can go where only HE can bring us!!!
In Jesus' Name,
AMEN!!!!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Photosynthesis

Why does growing up have to be so hard? Hard on the kids, hard on the parents. I have to be completely honest; going through the teenage years makes me wonder if I'd known what my kids were going to have to go through, would I have subjected them to it? Granted, I realize that my beautiful kids have not had the ideal situation in growing up. Generational curses plagued us and sometimes still do, but still... It is sooo freakin' hard!!!
My oldest and I feel like a million miles apart. It is killing me but I don't know how to fix it. I am praying that the Lord will work it out. I am actually praising Him for working it out. When there is no more us, He kicks in, and the sooner the better. I face disrespect, disillusion, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, hopelessness, and just downright depression in the face of the mountain of teenager that I feel I will have to climb to do this. "My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I know in my head that if I gave it to Him more often, I would know that satisfaction and peace comes from knowing who is in control. I feel exhausted by this fight and sometimes can't even get out of bed. All 4 of my other kiddos are incredible, but when this one is separated, I have to go and leave the 99 and bring back that 1.
Lord Jesus, You are the most powerful. Nothing in the realm of good or evil compares to you. I am so thankful that You are in control because there is no energy left in me to fight this battle. My daughter is lost in the sea of indecision and indifference and I yearn for her to find You in the midst of her uncertainty of future. She thinks she is the only one who has ever tried to buck up against authority, who doesn't know what they want to do when they grow up, and can't see where they fit in. When I try to encourage or teach her, she totally shuts down and it is heartbreaking. Give me just a glimpse Lord, please. Give me some kind of word that it will work out. I know that rarely do we come to you without brokenness and serve you out of love. Lord protect her and keep her safe for You and You alone. I rebuke any plans the enemy has for her failure or demise. I trust You Father. I praise you, even in the storm. You are a mighty God.
In Jesus's precious name, Amen.